Permission to Grieve

Our world looks different. SO different than just a week ago. People are dying. Others are suffering. Some are in financial crisis. There are limits on what we can buy when we go to the store. And now students are trying to do school from home and moms and dads are trying to manage something they never chose.

We are all posting memes that make us laugh. (Thank heaven for the memes!) 

And we’re telling each other all the right things: We can do this! We are resilient! As milspouses, we were made for this!

And I believe every one of those things! I believe all the positive messages out there! We CAN do this! We WILL survive! We NEED to do this together even as we stand at least 6 feet apart.

But in our attempt to bolster each other up, are we allowing each other to feel? To experience the impact of this on our lives? Because that impact is pretty big.

When we lose someone, we are told we need to slow down and allow ourselves time to grieve the loss. If we don’t slow down to experience that grief in the moment, we will pay a price later in the form of unhealthy habits or emotions or thought patterns.

Well, friends, we have lost a lot in the last week. Have you slowed down enough to grieve that loss? If not, I am giving you permission to grieve right now.

A friend was telling me her teenage son had a small emotional meltdown the night before and she said, “I know that there are harder things people are going through—deployed spouses, cancelled PCSes, seniors missing out on their ‘lasts’....” 

But do we have to compare? Can we just all feel the impact for our own families? For our kids? For us?

Our 13-year-old son does competitive gymnastics. He still had two meets and then Regionals left and then he was going to be forced into a 2-year hiatus due to an upcoming move. It all ended abruptly with no closure at all. He can’t fathom what those seniors are feeling—he has nothing to compare it to. And it’s okay that he’s sad.

On Tuesday, I was notified that an event our older son was signed up for was cancelled in late April and for whatever reason, that was a reality check that sent me right over the emotional edge. It finally hit home that this is not going to end in a couple weeks. I was completely unstable the rest of the day. I cried. I was mad for no good reason. I cried some more. And then you know what I did? I moved on. 

It was actually very beneficial to me to admit that this thing is huge and not easy. But I didn’t stay there. I let those tears be cleansing and then I had a good night’s sleep and woke up ready to face the next day.

I have seen several posts on Facebook about moms not feeling like they have what it takes to manage their children's schooling. Or moms who are expressing frustration with how their kids are adjusting…or not adjusting, as the case may be. 

May I remind us all that this is HUGE for all of you? As moms, just a few days ago, you were going about your business while your children were well taken care of at school. You bought the groceries your family needed with no restrictions or shortages. You had your routine. 

A week ago, your children were at school, and now they have been sent home with virtually no notice or closure; our conversations revolve around a big, scary virus; they are separated from their friends; and now they are asked to do school in a whole new way. It is no wonder this week didn’t go smoothly for most families!

Add to that, many dads are also now working from home and somehow you have to manage keeping the children on task and quiet while dad works, all while managing a house you had to yourself just days ago.

To be really honest, this week was a mess in our house even though we are already a homeschooling family. Being home IS our routine and we still struggled with a new normal since all their activities were cancelled and every conversation at dinner revolved around COVID-19.

OR maybe you are the military member and you are being asked to sacrifice in big ways right now! We talk a lot about resiliency and that you are critical to the nation’s security—and you ARE!! You are some of the most resilient people I know! But you aren’t invincible. It’s okay to take a moment to allow yourself to admit this is big and you can’t do it on your own.

Let’s all take a deep breath and give each other the grace to FEEL the impact in whatever healthy way you need to. Because, yes, we are resilient. Yes, we can do this. Yes, we will get through this together. But sometimes we need to admit our weakness and just take a minute to feel that in whatever way heals a part of you.

For me, that is a good cry, some worship music and my Bible. There is nothing more centering for me. There is nothing that cleanses my soul like that combination. There is nothing that reassures me that I AM resilient; I CAN do this; and it WILL be okay.

What does that look like for you? Moms, do you need to hide in the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes so that you can go out and take care of those little hearts with big hurts? Or do you have older kids who need to see it's okay to be vulnerable right now? 

Military members, can you find someone to talk to just to admit that this thing feels overwhelming? Someone who will agree with you, but then lift you up and encourage you?

Do you need to get outside and feel the sun on your face? Take a walk?

Maybe it’s a zoom date or a facetime with someone you love who will allow you the space to be sad and then remind you of all the great things you still have in your life.

Maybe it’s a chat with a neighbor from your driveways. Or a text marathon with a trusted friend.

Whatever it is, DO it. Allow yourself to feel the impact of this and then move on stronger, more determined to find the good and the hope and the determination to be better on the other side of this thing. Because there will be the other side and I, for one, want to be stronger when we get there.

Compressed But Not Crushed; Stretched But Not Snapped

It is winter in Montana. The time of year that brings cold days, long nights and snow. It is a hard season to get through here in the Northern Tier. And since resiliency is a hot topic in the Air Force these days, it seems like an appropriate time to talk about it.

What does resiliency mean to you? I have always thought of resiliency as the ability to stay strong or to keep on keeping on no matter what.

But the dictionary defines it this way:

1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.   

2) ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Do you know what I like about the dictionary definition versus my own? It allows for the reality that everything is not always okay. I love the image the first definition elicits. Anyone else think of Elastigirl or Gumby when you heard that definition?  

Have you ever felt bent, compressed or stretched?

Before one move, I told my husband, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. I am just so weary.” We were preparing to leave a base and community we loved for a one-year assignment and I felt exhausted just thinking about back-to-back moves. He was close to being eligible for retirement and we were having very real conversations about what came next. I felt bent and stretched beyond my capability to not break. But we moved anyway, knowing that accepting that assignment meant he would incur a longer commitment.

During another PCS, our teen son faced a lot of anger and frustration about the move and I felt crushed under the weight of his emotions. Once again, I thought, “This is it! I can’t keep doing this!” 

But here we are, several years later, staring down another PCS about which I am very optimistic. How is that possible? Whether you call it resiliency or something else, I found deep within me and through my faith an ability to bounce back. And, I would add, not just bounce back to my “original form,” but to be strengthened through the experience. Strengthened in a way that has me trusting God more; strengthened to be strong for my family and more encouraging for my husband; strengthened to face the roller coasters of military life without riding them emotionally.

What crushes you? What bends and stretches you to your breaking point? How do you bounce back?

The Air Force has identified 4 cornerstones of what makes Airmen resilient and I would argue they apply to we milspouses as well. Let’s take a look at these cornerstones and see how they can apply to our lives.

Physical – how many of you know you feel better when you move your body more? I have been in physical therapy for months because I neglected an issue with my back for years and I am paying the price of not taking care of myself physically. Now that I am getting healed, I am finding I want to move more and I feel better mentally and emotionally, too!

What does taking care of yourself physically mean to you? Better nutrition? More movement? Less alcohol? More sleep? What would it take for you to feel better?

Many of us have heard for years how our physical fitness affects our moods and our psychological state. This is not new information. But have you experienced it?

I am not a runner and I have no desire to become one. But one year I felt very strongly that I was supposed to run a 5K. What I discovered in that process was that as my body grew stronger, I felt stronger emotionally and better prepared to face the demands on my time. I felt empowered. I was more resilient.

What step can you take to become more physically fit?

Mental – I have several friends who have gone back to school because they needed something that is theirs alone and that challenges them mentally. The effort to challenge themselves, to push themselves in this way, helps them be mentally strong. Others have jobs that are mentally fulfilling.

When I was pregnant, I read several books about what to expect. Then I read parenting books about how to be a good mom. Now I read the books I assign my boys so I can discuss the books with them. But you can find me reading about all sorts of topics like personality types, “The Art of Gathering”, and Bible studies. I also homeschool our two boys and that is a mental challenge in and of itself.

What does mental resilience mean to you? Maybe it doesn’t mean school or a job. But what does it mean, then? How do you keep yourself mentally strong? Are there books you could read on subjects that interest you to keep your skills sharp?

Social – Finding your community is SO important in our nomad lifestyle! We usually don’t have family to rely on and we have to find our tribe. I call myself an introvert and on the weekends there is nothing I would rather do than hang out at home with my family. But even I know I need a community!

Most Air Force bases have a multitude of activities you can participate in—everything from Outdoor Recreation trips to play groups for toddlers. But you have to look for them.

One day when I was having lunch with a milspouse, she told me her neighbor is a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year old and is so lonely and never gets out of her house. I asked her if she knew about the library’s toddler story-time or the community center’s toddler time or the Club’s Jumpin’ Java where they blow up the bounce houses for little ones. I realize that sometimes we have to dig to find an outlet, but it is always worth it!

Be creative. Some of my best friends are not from base at all but are civilian. Sometimes what we most need is a friend with a different perspective. My civilian friends often remind me that there is life outside of the military and also give me a space to be me and not “just” my husband’s wife.

Where do you go to find your tribe? Where do you go to fulfill this cornerstone of resiliency? If you don’t have one, what step can you take to find your people?

Spiritual – This is probably the most important cornerstone for me personally. I cannot fathom navigating this military life without my faith.

During December’s holiday craziness, I texted a friend, “I’m drowning!” She replied, “Have you talked to God lately?” It stopped me in my tracks. With one question, she pin-pointed the reason I was drowning.

The first 6 months after any PCS are the hardest for me because I haven’t found my tribe and my husband is normally busy learning a new job, which leaves me feeling very lonely. But what I have learned over the years, is that this is actually a gift because it forces me to rely on God to meet me in my loneliness. Those have been times of great personal spiritual growth.

In order for me to be strong spiritually, I know that I need to be reading my Bible, spending time with others who believe the same way I do, and be involved in a local church. A friend recently told me she faithfully keeps a gratitude journal because it helps her focus on what is important. I would call that spiritual resiliency.

What do you do to be spiritually strong?

While the answers to these questions will be different for each of us, I do believe it is important to take the time to answer them. This military life is not for the faint of heart and we need all the help we can get to survive the ups and downs. I challenge you to take some time to answer these questions so when you are compressed and stretched, you have the tools to bounce back, to return to your original state, or, maybe, even to grow stronger. How will you be resilient?