Words Matter

 

                                Words matter

There is nothing new in that statement. We all know that words are important. But have you considered how the words you are saying right now to yourself and others is affecting you? 

Will you spend a couple minutes with me thinking about our words?

Think about all the books you see at the bookstore about positive thinking. It must work to some degree or they wouldn’t keep selling. Right?

So what about positive speaking? That seems like the next logical step.

Don't misunderstand me. What I am NOT suggesting is that we only speak positive words instead of talking about how hard things are or how we are doing. I believe there is room for truth-telling AND positive words.

A few years ago I made a reminder poster for my boys called: “Change your words—Change your mindset.” This list included things like:

Instead of saying “This is too hard.” Say “This will take some time and effort.”

Instead of “I give up.” Say, “What (or Who) do I know that will help me figure this out?” (Sometimes the answer was Mom!😉)

Let's try this exercise with words we use vs positive words: 

 “I can’t do this anymore!” VS.  “I am strong enough to get the help I need.”

Which one makes you feel empowered and able to conquer?

How about these:

    “I am afraid of the winter blues.” VS. “What will I do to combat the winter blues?"

    “This winter will be too hard.” VS. “I am strong enough to survive this winter.”

Much of the outcome in our lives depends on how we face the circumstances we are in. 

I recently listened to a podcast by Christine Caine and this quote was powerful to me, “We need to stop believing the facts and believe the truth instead.”

What are the facts? COVID has robbed us of many things during the last several months. The winter will be dark and cold (especially for those of us in the Northern Tier!).

What is the truth about COVID? We have gotten very creative as a military community during COVID and some of the creativity has gained us practices that will continue even after COVID is over. We have made it this far and we can make it a few more months.

What is the truth about winter? We have a choice to find ways to stay connected. We are strong enough to withstand the dark and the cold with some forethought and planning.

I believe these things because I have lived them. Along with almost everyone else who PCSed this summer, our move was a train wreck. It seemed that every time I turned around, another aspect of the move fell apart. But the move was only the beginning of the issues—we lost a loved one very unexpectedly in a new place where we knew very few people and I was handed a role on base that I struggled to get my head around.

At some point, I listened to the words coming out of my mouth and realized I was only adding to my frustration.  I realized that as I spent time complaining and, let’s face it, whining, I was missing opportunities to acknowledge all the good things about the summer -- seeing our oldest son thrive as he staffed a Scout camp, watching our younger one face the adventure of a move with his puppy for the first time, exploring our new surroundings, seeing extended family, making new friends and realizing we had people who cared about us enough to help us immediately.

But the negatives were the things I spoke about to people and it showed in how I handled the move.

Is this easy? No.

Does it fix ALL the problems? Absolutely not.

But when I realized the impact my words were making on my mental state, I knew I needed to change some things. I started with the words I allowed into my heart and my head. I made a “Mom’s Hope Playlist” and played it often. I got back to reading and studying Psalms because somehow reading those Psalms of lament helped me remember I was not alone, that it was okay to feel how I felt, but that I didn’t need to stay there. I started recognizing the good that was coming out of the hard and allowed that to be part of my internal narrative. I chose to do things I didn’t feel like doing, but knew I would be happy I did—like taking long walks with our son and his dog or playing a card game when I wanted my day to be over.

I started to be more careful with the words I spoke and the words I allowed to speak into me. And it made a difference.

I am in no way suggesting it is this easy for everyone. It’s not. Sometimes the circumstances or the depression or the anxiety are too much to overcome alone. I do believe honesty is even more important than saying positive things. We need to talk honestly about how we are doing. And when you are struggling with depression or anxiety, please get the help you need!

We were never meant to be alone. So, maybe the secret is allowing someone else to speak those words of life and healing into you until you can start saying them to yourself. If you are affiliated with the military, the chaplains or MFLACs are great people to reach out to.

If this seems like an area you could improve in, here are some steps you could start taking:

- Start a gratitude journal. There is a reason these are so popular—because they work. No matter how hard things are, I do truly believe there is always something to be thankful for. Even if it is the smallest thing. Maybe it is a warm puppy snuggle. Or the smile of your child. Or the warm blankets when you don’t want to get out of bed.

- Make your own playlist of the songs that speak hope into your life.

- Find a book that speaks hope to your soul.

- Determine to tell someone in your life one good thing that happened that day for you.

- Find a friend who will compel you to do the one thing you know you need to do—get to the gym, be outside, look for help, get out of the house.

- Find someone who will ask you thought-provoking questions. Questions that make you say out loud what you are struggling with. Questions that will help you find what you need to find the good and the positive. Questions that lead you to being honest with yourself about what you need to thrive.

Remind yourself that you ARE strong enough. You are strong enough to overcome AND you are strong enough to admit when you need more help than positive words.

There is a really good chance that nothing I have said is new to you. But I hope I made you think. I hope I have helped you consider what words you are allowing to affect you and maybe even consider how to change your own internal narrative. It won’t fix everything, but I do believe it could be the catalyst to your ability to not just survive, but thrive through COVID and the long winter....or whatever else you are facing!

Strongest Women I know

As milspouses, we are expected to be strong. We do our best to live up to that expectation regardless of what life and the military throw at us. Allow me to share some examples of what we do…

We PCS (Permanent Changes of Station—in civilian words, we move) every 2-4 years wherever the military tells our Active Duty spouse to go.

We leave extended family. Then we leave friends who have become like family.

We find new jobs and often restart careers over and over.

We have our babies without the support of extended family.

We single-parent through long deployments and TDYs.

We hold Powers of Attorney to buy and sell homes alone, among other things, because our Active Duty spouse is unavailable to help.

These alone make us strong, but it’s the curveballs of life that really bring out our strength. 

Such as…

When we have a baby with medical issues or a miscarriage or stillborn baby—still without the support of family to hold us and help us through it.

When we have medical issues ourselves and we continue to care for our families while battling whatever we are facing—cancer, depression, mysterious illnesses that lead to surgery at the worst possible time in your husband’s career (keep reading to see how I know about this last one!).

When something goes wrong…always when our active duty spouse is travelling. (Can we just pause here a moment and pat ourselves on the back for the number of things we overcome when they are gone?!)

When there is a pandemic. And you are sick with what is possibly the actual virus. And your spouse is deployed. And you have two small children, one of whom may or may not also have the virus.

Or when there is a pandemic and your baby has a lung problem. No, wait. Make that 3 lung issues that have nothing to do with the virus but make his little body extra vulnerable.

Or when there is a pandemic and you sold your house and started paying on a lease at your next location only to have the military enforce a Stop Movement that is literally just that—no one is moving anywhere and now you need to scramble to find housing for your family.

These are real-life examples of people I know and love. And every single one of them is an example of one of the strongest women I know.

She is strong because she cried a time or two during her ordeal, but then she overcame it and smiled again before it was over.

One Saturday morning I received a phone call from a friend who had just learned about the stop movement and was distraught because of how it would affect them financially. We talked through their options and by the end of the conversation, she took a deep breath and was ready to move on. That wasn’t because of anything I said. That was because she is strong and she knew the next thing to do was to take the next step in navigating the newest obstacle. And that’s exactly what she did. And the next time I saw her, on Zoom, she was smiling.

She is strong because she learned how to accept help from the friends who surrounded her. Maybe she even learned how to ask for help.

When my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly last year, I had friends who didn’t take my “no” as an answer and brought us meals anyway. I had no idea how much I needed them! And I have been able to do the same for others. When a friend recently lost a niece and couldn’t travel to mourn with her family, we set up meals for them—not because she couldn’t cook, but because we loved her and wanted her to know that. She appreciated the gesture because she knew she wasn’t alone.

I would not have called this a strength at the time, but during a very intense school year for my husband, I had a very weird kidney issue that required surgery in a city over an hour away from where we lived. Our boys were 6 and 3. We were surrounded by wonderful friends and family who had already done so much to help as I made trips back and forth to the city for appointments. But I begged my mom to come be with the boys while I was in the hospital and to help me for a few days after. (I didn’t have to beg very hard—she was very willing.) That may be one of the only instances I have been strong enough to ask for help!

She is strong because she did whatever it took to protect her family, stretching herself beyond what she believed she was capable of doing and then discovered she is capable of almost anything!

One precious mom learned her baby had three separate problems with his lungs. She and her husband wisely brought their daughter home from preschool and isolated themselves to protect their son from influenza, not knowing that within two weeks we would all be isolated at home and they were actually protecting him from COVID-19! Since then, she has made two trips to hospitals over three hours away to receive specialized care for him and she did it alone!

She is strong because she did what had to be done in the moment for the wellness of her husband and family.

Having in-laws stay with you during the first month of a pandemic while your husband is recovering from a knee injury, while you finish your doctorate and begin schooling your children at home is this kind of strength.

Working on your troubled marriage by getting counseling or battling through the tough stuff to get back on track is this kind of strength.

She is strong because she trusted God with an unknown future.

This one applies to so many milspouses! Whether it’s the family waiting to find out if they will move or not or the family who is separating from the military and finding a new job in a new location, this is a common one with or without a pandemic.

These are uncertain times for everyone—military or not. Our military life just happens to add some extra-faith-required to face obstacles we have little-to-no control over. But this is the surest source of strength when I face an unknown future.

Permission to Grieve

Our world looks different. SO different than just a week ago. People are dying. Others are suffering. Some are in financial crisis. There are limits on what we can buy when we go to the store. And now students are trying to do school from home and moms and dads are trying to manage something they never chose.

We are all posting memes that make us laugh. (Thank heaven for the memes!) 

And we’re telling each other all the right things: We can do this! We are resilient! As milspouses, we were made for this!

And I believe every one of those things! I believe all the positive messages out there! We CAN do this! We WILL survive! We NEED to do this together even as we stand at least 6 feet apart.

But in our attempt to bolster each other up, are we allowing each other to feel? To experience the impact of this on our lives? Because that impact is pretty big.

When we lose someone, we are told we need to slow down and allow ourselves time to grieve the loss. If we don’t slow down to experience that grief in the moment, we will pay a price later in the form of unhealthy habits or emotions or thought patterns.

Well, friends, we have lost a lot in the last week. Have you slowed down enough to grieve that loss? If not, I am giving you permission to grieve right now.

A friend was telling me her teenage son had a small emotional meltdown the night before and she said, “I know that there are harder things people are going through—deployed spouses, cancelled PCSes, seniors missing out on their ‘lasts’....” 

But do we have to compare? Can we just all feel the impact for our own families? For our kids? For us?

Our 13-year-old son does competitive gymnastics. He still had two meets and then Regionals left and then he was going to be forced into a 2-year hiatus due to an upcoming move. It all ended abruptly with no closure at all. He can’t fathom what those seniors are feeling—he has nothing to compare it to. And it’s okay that he’s sad.

On Tuesday, I was notified that an event our older son was signed up for was cancelled in late April and for whatever reason, that was a reality check that sent me right over the emotional edge. It finally hit home that this is not going to end in a couple weeks. I was completely unstable the rest of the day. I cried. I was mad for no good reason. I cried some more. And then you know what I did? I moved on. 

It was actually very beneficial to me to admit that this thing is huge and not easy. But I didn’t stay there. I let those tears be cleansing and then I had a good night’s sleep and woke up ready to face the next day.

I have seen several posts on Facebook about moms not feeling like they have what it takes to manage their children's schooling. Or moms who are expressing frustration with how their kids are adjusting…or not adjusting, as the case may be. 

May I remind us all that this is HUGE for all of you? As moms, just a few days ago, you were going about your business while your children were well taken care of at school. You bought the groceries your family needed with no restrictions or shortages. You had your routine. 

A week ago, your children were at school, and now they have been sent home with virtually no notice or closure; our conversations revolve around a big, scary virus; they are separated from their friends; and now they are asked to do school in a whole new way. It is no wonder this week didn’t go smoothly for most families!

Add to that, many dads are also now working from home and somehow you have to manage keeping the children on task and quiet while dad works, all while managing a house you had to yourself just days ago.

To be really honest, this week was a mess in our house even though we are already a homeschooling family. Being home IS our routine and we still struggled with a new normal since all their activities were cancelled and every conversation at dinner revolved around COVID-19.

OR maybe you are the military member and you are being asked to sacrifice in big ways right now! We talk a lot about resiliency and that you are critical to the nation’s security—and you ARE!! You are some of the most resilient people I know! But you aren’t invincible. It’s okay to take a moment to allow yourself to admit this is big and you can’t do it on your own.

Let’s all take a deep breath and give each other the grace to FEEL the impact in whatever healthy way you need to. Because, yes, we are resilient. Yes, we can do this. Yes, we will get through this together. But sometimes we need to admit our weakness and just take a minute to feel that in whatever way heals a part of you.

For me, that is a good cry, some worship music and my Bible. There is nothing more centering for me. There is nothing that cleanses my soul like that combination. There is nothing that reassures me that I AM resilient; I CAN do this; and it WILL be okay.

What does that look like for you? Moms, do you need to hide in the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes so that you can go out and take care of those little hearts with big hurts? Or do you have older kids who need to see it's okay to be vulnerable right now? 

Military members, can you find someone to talk to just to admit that this thing feels overwhelming? Someone who will agree with you, but then lift you up and encourage you?

Do you need to get outside and feel the sun on your face? Take a walk?

Maybe it’s a zoom date or a facetime with someone you love who will allow you the space to be sad and then remind you of all the great things you still have in your life.

Maybe it’s a chat with a neighbor from your driveways. Or a text marathon with a trusted friend.

Whatever it is, DO it. Allow yourself to feel the impact of this and then move on stronger, more determined to find the good and the hope and the determination to be better on the other side of this thing. Because there will be the other side and I, for one, want to be stronger when we get there.

Compressed But Not Crushed; Stretched But Not Snapped

It is winter in Montana. The time of year that brings cold days, long nights and snow. It is a hard season to get through here in the Northern Tier. And since resiliency is a hot topic in the Air Force these days, it seems like an appropriate time to talk about it.

What does resiliency mean to you? I have always thought of resiliency as the ability to stay strong or to keep on keeping on no matter what.

But the dictionary defines it this way:

1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.   

2) ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Do you know what I like about the dictionary definition versus my own? It allows for the reality that everything is not always okay. I love the image the first definition elicits. Anyone else think of Elastigirl or Gumby when you heard that definition?  

Have you ever felt bent, compressed or stretched?

Before one move, I told my husband, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. I am just so weary.” We were preparing to leave a base and community we loved for a one-year assignment and I felt exhausted just thinking about back-to-back moves. He was close to being eligible for retirement and we were having very real conversations about what came next. I felt bent and stretched beyond my capability to not break. But we moved anyway, knowing that accepting that assignment meant he would incur a longer commitment.

During another PCS, our teen son faced a lot of anger and frustration about the move and I felt crushed under the weight of his emotions. Once again, I thought, “This is it! I can’t keep doing this!” 

But here we are, several years later, staring down another PCS about which I am very optimistic. How is that possible? Whether you call it resiliency or something else, I found deep within me and through my faith an ability to bounce back. And, I would add, not just bounce back to my “original form,” but to be strengthened through the experience. Strengthened in a way that has me trusting God more; strengthened to be strong for my family and more encouraging for my husband; strengthened to face the roller coasters of military life without riding them emotionally.

What crushes you? What bends and stretches you to your breaking point? How do you bounce back?

The Air Force has identified 4 cornerstones of what makes Airmen resilient and I would argue they apply to we milspouses as well. Let’s take a look at these cornerstones and see how they can apply to our lives.

Physical – how many of you know you feel better when you move your body more? I have been in physical therapy for months because I neglected an issue with my back for years and I am paying the price of not taking care of myself physically. Now that I am getting healed, I am finding I want to move more and I feel better mentally and emotionally, too!

What does taking care of yourself physically mean to you? Better nutrition? More movement? Less alcohol? More sleep? What would it take for you to feel better?

Many of us have heard for years how our physical fitness affects our moods and our psychological state. This is not new information. But have you experienced it?

I am not a runner and I have no desire to become one. But one year I felt very strongly that I was supposed to run a 5K. What I discovered in that process was that as my body grew stronger, I felt stronger emotionally and better prepared to face the demands on my time. I felt empowered. I was more resilient.

What step can you take to become more physically fit?

Mental – I have several friends who have gone back to school because they needed something that is theirs alone and that challenges them mentally. The effort to challenge themselves, to push themselves in this way, helps them be mentally strong. Others have jobs that are mentally fulfilling.

When I was pregnant, I read several books about what to expect. Then I read parenting books about how to be a good mom. Now I read the books I assign my boys so I can discuss the books with them. But you can find me reading about all sorts of topics like personality types, “The Art of Gathering”, and Bible studies. I also homeschool our two boys and that is a mental challenge in and of itself.

What does mental resilience mean to you? Maybe it doesn’t mean school or a job. But what does it mean, then? How do you keep yourself mentally strong? Are there books you could read on subjects that interest you to keep your skills sharp?

Social – Finding your community is SO important in our nomad lifestyle! We usually don’t have family to rely on and we have to find our tribe. I call myself an introvert and on the weekends there is nothing I would rather do than hang out at home with my family. But even I know I need a community!

Most Air Force bases have a multitude of activities you can participate in—everything from Outdoor Recreation trips to play groups for toddlers. But you have to look for them.

One day when I was having lunch with a milspouse, she told me her neighbor is a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year old and is so lonely and never gets out of her house. I asked her if she knew about the library’s toddler story-time or the community center’s toddler time or the Club’s Jumpin’ Java where they blow up the bounce houses for little ones. I realize that sometimes we have to dig to find an outlet, but it is always worth it!

Be creative. Some of my best friends are not from base at all but are civilian. Sometimes what we most need is a friend with a different perspective. My civilian friends often remind me that there is life outside of the military and also give me a space to be me and not “just” my husband’s wife.

Where do you go to find your tribe? Where do you go to fulfill this cornerstone of resiliency? If you don’t have one, what step can you take to find your people?

Spiritual – This is probably the most important cornerstone for me personally. I cannot fathom navigating this military life without my faith.

During December’s holiday craziness, I texted a friend, “I’m drowning!” She replied, “Have you talked to God lately?” It stopped me in my tracks. With one question, she pin-pointed the reason I was drowning.

The first 6 months after any PCS are the hardest for me because I haven’t found my tribe and my husband is normally busy learning a new job, which leaves me feeling very lonely. But what I have learned over the years, is that this is actually a gift because it forces me to rely on God to meet me in my loneliness. Those have been times of great personal spiritual growth.

In order for me to be strong spiritually, I know that I need to be reading my Bible, spending time with others who believe the same way I do, and be involved in a local church. A friend recently told me she faithfully keeps a gratitude journal because it helps her focus on what is important. I would call that spiritual resiliency.

What do you do to be spiritually strong?

While the answers to these questions will be different for each of us, I do believe it is important to take the time to answer them. This military life is not for the faint of heart and we need all the help we can get to survive the ups and downs. I challenge you to take some time to answer these questions so when you are compressed and stretched, you have the tools to bounce back, to return to your original state, or, maybe, even to grow stronger. How will you be resilient?

Out Of My Control

How many nights have you laid awake mentally trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? No matter which way you look at the situation, you can’t make it work.

How many of those nights involved trying to plan something over which you had no control? And how many of them had to do with something involving the military?

If you’re like me, you like to be in control. Maybe you aren’t as over-the-top as I am…. I want to navigate even when the GPS could do it for me. I like to study the amusement park map and plan how to get the most out of the day. Every morning I have a conversation with our boys about all that the day entails…whether they want those details or not.

Can you relate?

But as milspouses, we don’t have the luxury of control over most aspects of our lives.

One conversation with my husband regarding control stands out vividly. He had been in the Air Force for several years and we had thoughtfully completed many “Dream Sheets”. I have no idea what the real name for that form is, but it is basically when the Air Force kindly asks for your input into where you want to move and what job you would like to have next.

My hubby asked me, “What should we put on the Dream Sheet?” (Let it be known that I absolutely adore the fact that he asked me!)

My response? “Why does it matter? It’s just a dream anyway!” Oh, how cynical I had become!

Can you relate? How many of you have gotten your number one choice? And if you did, how often did you get it? I bet if we took a poll, the vast majority of us have more often than not been sent somewhere that wasn’t anywhere close to what we put on these Dream Sheets.

Or how about those lists we all wait for? The promotions. The school slots. Move lists. Command opportunities. Talk about out-of-our-control!

After 23 years as a milspouse, I still struggle with having no control over what happens to us in these situations. Has it gotten easier? Sure.

Is it easy? No.

One of the best ways I have learned to cope is to look back over years of positive outcomes. 

Because of my faith, I credit God’s faithfulness in my life for these outcomes. But even if you do not share that belief, I am sure you can look back and see how things worked out for good even when you had to wait or when you didn’t get what you wanted. Sometimes you may have to dig into the recesses of your brain a little to think of those things, but I have found they are always there.

Sometimes I have been blessed by an unexpected friendship that was allowed to grow because we stayed where we were longer than expected. I know others who have been able to see that a frustrating situation worked out better for their children—a child gets to stay put and graduate, or is able to participate in something they otherwise would not have been able to if they had moved sooner or hadn’t moved at all. Or a milspouse gets to finish school or keep a job they love a little longer. Or maybe the right house wasn’t available until the decision was made. There are endless benefits and blessings we may never even realize as the square pegs find the square holes of our lives.

Sometimes a career seems so affected by a decision that lays in the hands of others. On the other side of the decision is something better than you could imagine; however, in the moment, that does not reconcile with the plan you made.

We, or our spouses, entered the military with goals and hopes and dreams. And then we discovered much of the realization of those goals and dreams goes beyond just doing your best. There are politics and boxes to check and decisions we make that seem like the right one but turn out to not produce the results we expect, and then there are the actions of others that directly affect our own reality. All of this is frustrating.

But when you can look back and remember other times your lack of control led to greater things, it just might help you sleep at night.

Other times, what helps me more than looking back at the benefits that came out of it is considering how I have grown because of, or sometimes in spite of, the lack of control.

My extended family likes to ask me about our summer plans in the winter. In fact, for our boys to get into a camp with cousins, we have to decide by February or the spots fill up. Sometimes I make a stab in the dark about whether it will work and then move mountains to make that square peg fit. 

Sometimes I just keep saying, “I don’t know. Plan it without us and if it works, great!”

I am much more flexible than I was 10 or 20 years ago. This characteristic has made me a much better wife and mom.

Recently, my husband returned from a 10-week TDY and he got a call on our meticulously-planned anniversary that he would leave on a short-notice TDY just a few days later. I smiled and said something agreeable and then walked away. My husband, knowing I don’t do well with change, found me in our room where I told him, “I just need a minute to pout and then I will put on my good Air Force wife smile.”

My voice dripped with sarcasm and I hadn’t gotten to the point where I could genuinely smile, but what you need to understand is that a few years ago I would have pitched a fit—yelling and slamming doors and crying. I finally learned over many years that it is better to come to a place of acceptance because it is happening regardless of how I feel about it. I can choose to take it out on my husband or I can choose to cling to the fact that it was out of his control and allow that square peg to slide into the square hole.

Focusing on something else also helps me to survive the lack of control. When we are waiting on orders, if I can stay focused on the here and now and getting as much out of where we are as possible, then waiting takes a back seat. I focus on my kids or my marriage or a role I play on base or at church. Pouring myself into where I am as long as possible is important to me and has the side benefit of distracting me.

And let’s be honest, usually it isn’t about me at all! That short-notice TDY my husband went on had an impact on that unit that went far beyond the irritation I felt at him leaving again. We don’t always get to see the puzzle pieces being fitted together, but I believe that often what feels out of control is in complete control at another level.

When you can surrender control, you can start sleeping better. You aren’t going to fit the square peg into the round hole no matter how many hours of sleep you lose anyway!

Your Value is YOU

Before one of our moves to an off-base house, I called to set up utilities. The kind lady on the phone asked, “What is your Social Security number?”

Shocked, I responded, “You want MY social?!”

I quickly went on to explain that we are military and no one wants my social security number! They always want my husband’s!

She laughingly responded as if they were doing me a great honor, “Well, WE want your social!”

This is just a humorous event that gave me a good laugh, but you know what I mean, don’t you? You know that almost always we military spouses answer the question, “What is your sponsor’s Social?” or “What is the last 4 of your sponsor’s Social?”

In a military culture that refers to us as “Dependents” and only wants our sponsor’s social, we run the risk of only identifying ourselves as who we are in connection to our military member. We run the risk of identifying ourselves as “just”. I am “just” a dependent. I am “just” a stay-at-home mom. I am “just”……

Or maybe you ARE the military member and even you feel defined by your own social security number, or your DOD number, or your rank, or your job.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Have you ever said those words to someone? Or have you ever thought them? “What I do doesn’t matter. I am just…..”

Please allow me to assure you that you are not “just” anything. You are enough.

Regardless of whether you stay home with your kids or you are a career woman whose job has to change so rapidly you feel like you can’t get ahead or you are in the military and feel your life is not your own, you are valuable and you are not “just” anything.

I have had seasons when I defined myself, at least in my mind, by what I “just” do. Phrases like, “I just homeschool. I don’t contribute to our family’s finances;” and “I just volunteer at church. I don’t go on overseas mission trips;” and a million other “I just…” statements ran on repeat on the playlist of my mind.

When I allow these thoughts to replay in my mind, I am a mess! I compare myself to others who I believe are doing more important things and then I get discontent and a little depressed. Suddenly my life as a wife and mom is not enough. I question whether I should be doing more. I mean, other milspouses have kids and spouses and still work full-time, exercise and volunteer. What if I am not enough? What if what I do is not enough? When these doubts hit me, my words to others are short, I am grumpy, and I spend too much time wondering what I am missing instead of enjoying where I am.

However, when I am mindful of what I allow to repeat on the playlist of my brain, and when I pause the playlist, I remember my value is not found in my “just”. My value is in who I am. When I am confident in what I am doing, I stand taller, I walk with more confidence, I move with purpose. When I know I am walking out what God has chosen me to do, I speak more kindly, I love more deeply, I laugh more freely, I am more at peace.

Being a homeschool mom is enough. Being a stay-at-home mom is enough. Being the wife my husband needs me to be is enough.

At the end of the day, those are simply roles I play. Those roles do not define who I am. Those roles are not what makes me enough.

We all play a variety of roles during different seasons of our lives and some days we may feel like who we are is buried beneath the demands of those roles. But the truth is, you are enough regardless of the season you are in. Regardless of the roles you play.

Your role may be to work full-time outside the home. But who you are in the workplace is far more important than what you are paid for.

Your role may be to stay home with your children, but the way you love and pour yourself in to their small selves is what makes you enough.

Your role may be to serve in the military, but the integrity with which you serve is far more important than the job you do.

Your role may be to stand by your man who serves in the military, but the way you support him is far more important than the title of milspouse.

Your value isn’t found in doing the things you do; your value is in being who you are.

You see, value is found in walking out who you were created to be and that is enough. You don’t have to be more or less than who you are.

Who am I? I am a woman who fiercely loves my family, my God and my friends. I am the crazy lady who will smile at random people in the commissary or have a conversation with strangers almost anywhere I go. I am a friend who will listen. I am these things and more. And that is enough.

What makes you stand taller? What makes you move with purpose? What makes you laugh more freely? What speaks peace into your weary soul? THAT is who you ARE. And that is enough.

The next time you are tempted to let the playlist of “just” run on repeat, remember that you are not just anything. You are valuable and you are enough simply because of who you are.