Strongest Women I know

As milspouses, we are expected to be strong. We do our best to live up to that expectation regardless of what life and the military throw at us. Allow me to share some examples of what we do…

We PCS (Permanent Changes of Station—in civilian words, we move) every 2-4 years wherever the military tells our Active Duty spouse to go.

We leave extended family. Then we leave friends who have become like family.

We find new jobs and often restart careers over and over.

We have our babies without the support of extended family.

We single-parent through long deployments and TDYs.

We hold Powers of Attorney to buy and sell homes alone, among other things, because our Active Duty spouse is unavailable to help.

These alone make us strong, but it’s the curveballs of life that really bring out our strength. 

Such as…

When we have a baby with medical issues or a miscarriage or stillborn baby—still without the support of family to hold us and help us through it.

When we have medical issues ourselves and we continue to care for our families while battling whatever we are facing—cancer, depression, mysterious illnesses that lead to surgery at the worst possible time in your husband’s career (keep reading to see how I know about this last one!).

When something goes wrong…always when our active duty spouse is travelling. (Can we just pause here a moment and pat ourselves on the back for the number of things we overcome when they are gone?!)

When there is a pandemic. And you are sick with what is possibly the actual virus. And your spouse is deployed. And you have two small children, one of whom may or may not also have the virus.

Or when there is a pandemic and your baby has a lung problem. No, wait. Make that 3 lung issues that have nothing to do with the virus but make his little body extra vulnerable.

Or when there is a pandemic and you sold your house and started paying on a lease at your next location only to have the military enforce a Stop Movement that is literally just that—no one is moving anywhere and now you need to scramble to find housing for your family.

These are real-life examples of people I know and love. And every single one of them is an example of one of the strongest women I know.

She is strong because she cried a time or two during her ordeal, but then she overcame it and smiled again before it was over.

One Saturday morning I received a phone call from a friend who had just learned about the stop movement and was distraught because of how it would affect them financially. We talked through their options and by the end of the conversation, she took a deep breath and was ready to move on. That wasn’t because of anything I said. That was because she is strong and she knew the next thing to do was to take the next step in navigating the newest obstacle. And that’s exactly what she did. And the next time I saw her, on Zoom, she was smiling.

She is strong because she learned how to accept help from the friends who surrounded her. Maybe she even learned how to ask for help.

When my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly last year, I had friends who didn’t take my “no” as an answer and brought us meals anyway. I had no idea how much I needed them! And I have been able to do the same for others. When a friend recently lost a niece and couldn’t travel to mourn with her family, we set up meals for them—not because she couldn’t cook, but because we loved her and wanted her to know that. She appreciated the gesture because she knew she wasn’t alone.

I would not have called this a strength at the time, but during a very intense school year for my husband, I had a very weird kidney issue that required surgery in a city over an hour away from where we lived. Our boys were 6 and 3. We were surrounded by wonderful friends and family who had already done so much to help as I made trips back and forth to the city for appointments. But I begged my mom to come be with the boys while I was in the hospital and to help me for a few days after. (I didn’t have to beg very hard—she was very willing.) That may be one of the only instances I have been strong enough to ask for help!

She is strong because she did whatever it took to protect her family, stretching herself beyond what she believed she was capable of doing and then discovered she is capable of almost anything!

One precious mom learned her baby had three separate problems with his lungs. She and her husband wisely brought their daughter home from preschool and isolated themselves to protect their son from influenza, not knowing that within two weeks we would all be isolated at home and they were actually protecting him from COVID-19! Since then, she has made two trips to hospitals over three hours away to receive specialized care for him and she did it alone!

She is strong because she did what had to be done in the moment for the wellness of her husband and family.

Having in-laws stay with you during the first month of a pandemic while your husband is recovering from a knee injury, while you finish your doctorate and begin schooling your children at home is this kind of strength.

Working on your troubled marriage by getting counseling or battling through the tough stuff to get back on track is this kind of strength.

She is strong because she trusted God with an unknown future.

This one applies to so many milspouses! Whether it’s the family waiting to find out if they will move or not or the family who is separating from the military and finding a new job in a new location, this is a common one with or without a pandemic.

These are uncertain times for everyone—military or not. Our military life just happens to add some extra-faith-required to face obstacles we have little-to-no control over. But this is the surest source of strength when I face an unknown future.

Compressed But Not Crushed; Stretched But Not Snapped

It is winter in Montana. The time of year that brings cold days, long nights and snow. It is a hard season to get through here in the Northern Tier. And since resiliency is a hot topic in the Air Force these days, it seems like an appropriate time to talk about it.

What does resiliency mean to you? I have always thought of resiliency as the ability to stay strong or to keep on keeping on no matter what.

But the dictionary defines it this way:

1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.   

2) ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Do you know what I like about the dictionary definition versus my own? It allows for the reality that everything is not always okay. I love the image the first definition elicits. Anyone else think of Elastigirl or Gumby when you heard that definition?  

Have you ever felt bent, compressed or stretched?

Before one move, I told my husband, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. I am just so weary.” We were preparing to leave a base and community we loved for a one-year assignment and I felt exhausted just thinking about back-to-back moves. He was close to being eligible for retirement and we were having very real conversations about what came next. I felt bent and stretched beyond my capability to not break. But we moved anyway, knowing that accepting that assignment meant he would incur a longer commitment.

During another PCS, our teen son faced a lot of anger and frustration about the move and I felt crushed under the weight of his emotions. Once again, I thought, “This is it! I can’t keep doing this!” 

But here we are, several years later, staring down another PCS about which I am very optimistic. How is that possible? Whether you call it resiliency or something else, I found deep within me and through my faith an ability to bounce back. And, I would add, not just bounce back to my “original form,” but to be strengthened through the experience. Strengthened in a way that has me trusting God more; strengthened to be strong for my family and more encouraging for my husband; strengthened to face the roller coasters of military life without riding them emotionally.

What crushes you? What bends and stretches you to your breaking point? How do you bounce back?

The Air Force has identified 4 cornerstones of what makes Airmen resilient and I would argue they apply to we milspouses as well. Let’s take a look at these cornerstones and see how they can apply to our lives.

Physical – how many of you know you feel better when you move your body more? I have been in physical therapy for months because I neglected an issue with my back for years and I am paying the price of not taking care of myself physically. Now that I am getting healed, I am finding I want to move more and I feel better mentally and emotionally, too!

What does taking care of yourself physically mean to you? Better nutrition? More movement? Less alcohol? More sleep? What would it take for you to feel better?

Many of us have heard for years how our physical fitness affects our moods and our psychological state. This is not new information. But have you experienced it?

I am not a runner and I have no desire to become one. But one year I felt very strongly that I was supposed to run a 5K. What I discovered in that process was that as my body grew stronger, I felt stronger emotionally and better prepared to face the demands on my time. I felt empowered. I was more resilient.

What step can you take to become more physically fit?

Mental – I have several friends who have gone back to school because they needed something that is theirs alone and that challenges them mentally. The effort to challenge themselves, to push themselves in this way, helps them be mentally strong. Others have jobs that are mentally fulfilling.

When I was pregnant, I read several books about what to expect. Then I read parenting books about how to be a good mom. Now I read the books I assign my boys so I can discuss the books with them. But you can find me reading about all sorts of topics like personality types, “The Art of Gathering”, and Bible studies. I also homeschool our two boys and that is a mental challenge in and of itself.

What does mental resilience mean to you? Maybe it doesn’t mean school or a job. But what does it mean, then? How do you keep yourself mentally strong? Are there books you could read on subjects that interest you to keep your skills sharp?

Social – Finding your community is SO important in our nomad lifestyle! We usually don’t have family to rely on and we have to find our tribe. I call myself an introvert and on the weekends there is nothing I would rather do than hang out at home with my family. But even I know I need a community!

Most Air Force bases have a multitude of activities you can participate in—everything from Outdoor Recreation trips to play groups for toddlers. But you have to look for them.

One day when I was having lunch with a milspouse, she told me her neighbor is a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year old and is so lonely and never gets out of her house. I asked her if she knew about the library’s toddler story-time or the community center’s toddler time or the Club’s Jumpin’ Java where they blow up the bounce houses for little ones. I realize that sometimes we have to dig to find an outlet, but it is always worth it!

Be creative. Some of my best friends are not from base at all but are civilian. Sometimes what we most need is a friend with a different perspective. My civilian friends often remind me that there is life outside of the military and also give me a space to be me and not “just” my husband’s wife.

Where do you go to find your tribe? Where do you go to fulfill this cornerstone of resiliency? If you don’t have one, what step can you take to find your people?

Spiritual – This is probably the most important cornerstone for me personally. I cannot fathom navigating this military life without my faith.

During December’s holiday craziness, I texted a friend, “I’m drowning!” She replied, “Have you talked to God lately?” It stopped me in my tracks. With one question, she pin-pointed the reason I was drowning.

The first 6 months after any PCS are the hardest for me because I haven’t found my tribe and my husband is normally busy learning a new job, which leaves me feeling very lonely. But what I have learned over the years, is that this is actually a gift because it forces me to rely on God to meet me in my loneliness. Those have been times of great personal spiritual growth.

In order for me to be strong spiritually, I know that I need to be reading my Bible, spending time with others who believe the same way I do, and be involved in a local church. A friend recently told me she faithfully keeps a gratitude journal because it helps her focus on what is important. I would call that spiritual resiliency.

What do you do to be spiritually strong?

While the answers to these questions will be different for each of us, I do believe it is important to take the time to answer them. This military life is not for the faint of heart and we need all the help we can get to survive the ups and downs. I challenge you to take some time to answer these questions so when you are compressed and stretched, you have the tools to bounce back, to return to your original state, or, maybe, even to grow stronger. How will you be resilient?

Roots

As a military family, how do you withstand the hurricane-force winds of our military lifestyle? The deployments and long hours and high Ops tempos? The TDYs, the loneliness and the distance from family? How do you sink your roots deep enough to not topple when the winds blow?

When we lived in Northern Virginia, we experienced some epic windstorms. Large trees would blow over, pulling the entire root system from the ground. 

This was so confusing to me, a MidWest girl who has spent her fair share of time in windy locations where the large trees do not blow over from the roots up. I couldn’t help thinking that if the trees in Virginia had just put their roots deeper, they could have withstood the high winds. So, why didn’t they?

I decided to do a little research and here is what I found on a Fairfax County, Virginia website on a conservation page titled “Understanding Tree Roots”:

“Tree roots anchor the tree in the soil, keeping it straight and stable, and absorb water from the soil. Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.

“Eighty percent of all roots occur in the top 12-36 inches of the soil. In sandy, well drained soils some trees such as oaks and pines develop deep roots, directly beneath the trunk. These are commonly called taproots but are actually deeper roots that help anchor the tree. Most trees never develop taproots, especially when the water table is close to the surface or when the soil is compacted.”

Did you catch that? The roots of these 3-4 story-high trees only go 1-3 feet into the ground. Now, I don’t know much about trees, but I can imagine that even 3 feet of roots under the ground will not effectively hold a large tree in place when a windstorm kicks up.

Roots are hard to come by as military families. We move so often, the roots don’t get very deep before we have to rip them up and start over, much like the trees in Virginia. But, just like trees, we NEED roots to stand tall and be stable.

So, how do we develop a root system that will withstand the wind?

We need to absorb water from the soil. Where do you get water? What place in your life do you feel satisfied, filled up, not thirsty? Is it being with friends? Is it being alone? Is it being with family? Is it working or volunteering? Is it being at church? Is it family game night or movie night?

When our sons were 4 and 1, my husband’s job kept him at work from 6 am until 11 pm and often on weekends. It was so hard to answer my 4-year-old’s questions of when he would see Daddy again because we never knew. I adore my kids, but I was getting crushed by the single-parenting and I didn’t like the mom I was becoming. I was parched. So, I pressed in to the friendships I had made with other moms with sons the same ages and I hired a sitter for a Friday afternoon every other week. Those were the wisest decisions I could have made in that desert. Find your water and do what it takes to drink deeply of it.

“Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.” What do you need in this season of life? Growth? Development? Repair? No matter where you are, there are resources for this. No matter what winds you are facing, there are nutrients and chemicals to be had.

If you need to see some personal growth, look for spouse trainings across the base and in your local area. The Chapel, Airmen and Family Readiness, Outdoor Rec, and other organizations offer trainings for a variety of seasons of life.

Need some personal development? Most bases have educational and career development resources for spouses. Or classes about parenting. Or arts and crafts classes. Or take an online class in a hobby you have always wanted to pursue. Find a Bible study or a small group at a church where you can feed your spiritual needs.

In need of some personal repair? This military life is no joke and the weight of it is heavy. Or maybe you came into the military life and were already carrying some baggage that has been compounded. Find your MFLAC—an on-base counselor who can walk with you and help relieve the pressure. Or talk to a Chaplain. Or get referred to an off-base counselor. Or seek out a pastor in the community. Or maybe it is simpler than all that and what you need is a good friend’s listening ear.

I have personally needed all of these at one stage of life or another—growth, development and repair. Due to my faith, I most often seek out the nutrients and chemicals I need at the local church we have plugged in to. This has looked different at different stages of life for me. Sometimes I have led a Bible study because I wanted to grow as a leader. Sometimes I have attended one because I needed the gift of repair it offered me. Always, I have surrounded myself with friends who will listen. I have also found that I require a variety of friends—those who are peers on this military journey and don’t require a lot of back-story, civilian friends who just know me as my sons’ mom instead of the wife of my active-duty husband, and friends who are just my friends because of who I am and not because of my kids or my husband.

What do you need to do to develop taproots, the roots that will keep you standing straight and stable as you face the windstorms of life? Too often we don’t grow our roots deep because we know our time somewhere is temporary. We fear the pain of pulling them up once again to start over in a new location. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is painful! But if we choose to keep our roots shallow in each location, we can’t stand straight and we won’t be stable. So, take a risk, dig deep, soak in all there is where you are currently living because when you move again, you will start with stronger roots, you will be able to engage sooner and deeper because you will have learned the value of strong, deep roots.

Embracing Where You Are Sent

Have you ever arrived to your new duty station and felt like you stepped onto foreign soil? Oh, maybe the base felt mostly familiar with its military-standard housing and the buildings that all look the same from the outside. But the town around you? Or the lack of the town around you? You know you are still on US soil, but nothing feels familiar. Or safe.

We were stationed outside of Boston 19 years into my husband’s career. It was a great move for him and we were able to live on base on the outskirts of the outskirts of Boston. But nothing felt easy or familiar. I was petrified of driving anywhere. I thought for sure our boys and I would be stuck at home for a year because I didn’t know how to manage a 4-lane round-about. And that was in the outskirts of the outskirts! Don’t even get me started on actually driving in the city! The first time we ventured downtown, I was navigating and pointed above our heads and exclaimed, “We are supposed to be up there!” By the time I finished my sentence, we came flying out of the tunnel we were in and had to choose 1 of 5 streets immediately in front of us. The navigation app had not been able to keep up in the tunnel, so I had no idea where to tell my husband to go. We circled a 5-block radius several times before realizing we had put in the wrong destination!

We are both from Iowa. THIS felt foreign!

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “I’m from a big city. None of that scares me!” But you are stationed in the middle of the Northern tier, surrounded by fields and livestock or snow and ice and that is what feels foreign to you.

I met a milspouse from Brazil. She and her husband were stationed in Seattle and were then sent to Malmstrom AFB in Montana. When I asked her how she felt about that change, she said, “I cried for two months after we got here.”

When I asked another milspouse how she felt about being stationed in Montana, her response was, “Not good. Not good at all!”

I think it would be safe to say that Montana felt quite foreign to these milspouses!

What can we do to embrace where we are sent when we are sent to a “foreign” land on US soil? When you show up and the only people you know are your husband and your kids or your furry friends? Or maybe you show up alone? Then what?

Some sure-fire ways to NOT embrace your current situation include: crying daily; complaining loudly and often; throwing a pity party; inviting everyone around you to feel sorry for you; declaring over and over how much you hate it there. Have you met those people? Are you one of them?!

I can assure you that when those are your responses, they will become self-fulfilling prophecies. It will be your worst assignment ever. How do I know this? Because I have thrown a pity party or two. I have hidden and cried in the bathroom of a new home more times than I would like to admit.

So, how do we embrace our foreign-land-on-US-soil assignment? Here are some tried and true methods of embracing your new location when nothing feels familiar or safe (How do I know this? Because I have experienced their success first-hand!):

Try something new! The Brazilian spouse I met? She didn’t keep crying. She and her husband decided to flip a house while they are stationed in Montana. This particular hobby has potential to pay dividends beyond just trying something new!

Get involved!  Whether it is a church, a group, a Club or a gym. Find a place to be active. The first thing we look for even before we arrive to a new base is a church. Our family knows that if we can find a place to worship, we will find like-minded people and we will most likely make life-long friends.

Give back! Our first duty station was a 9-month school as far away from home as we could get and still be in the continental United States. At the time, it didn’t seem worth it to find a job, but I needed to do something to fill my days, so I volunteered at the base’s Airmen and Family Readiness Center. I spent a few hours each week putting together packets to welcome newcomers. It wasn’t glamorous work, but I enjoyed it because I learned quite a bit about the base and the surrounding area and I got to know the kind people at the AFRC who wanted to help military families.

Take a risk! Use social media to your advantage. Many milspouses are using social media to their advantage and introducing themselves on the spouse Facebook page of their new base. They are making connections and getting invited to play groups, craft groups, wine clubs and more!

Ask your friends if they know anyone at your next assignment and ask them for an online introduction to their friend. After being in the military for 23 years, we know people stationed all over. I take full advantage of that by having a friend introduce me to her friend on FB Messenger. We establish the beginnings of a friendship long before we meet in person. My last neighbor was a close friend before we ever arrived.

No matter what else you try, always, always, ALWAYS, find your people. Some of you are thinking, “But I’m not good at making friends! I am shy/introverted/awkward.” Yep, me too. Walking into a room of complete strangers is still one of the hardest things for me to do. I am super awkward when it comes to small talk (although I have gotten better with practice) and I never know how to gracefully end a conversation. But I make myself do it anyway because I know from experience that my new best friend might be at that event and I won’t meet her if I don’t go.

I tell our boys all the time, “Look for the new people. Remember how it felt when you were new and be the person you needed someone to be for you.” You may be the new one for the moment, but let’s face it, you are only the new one for a week or a month before the next new one moves in. Watch for the moving trucks. Say Hi. Take cookies—even if they are store bought!

How will you embrace where you have been sent? Where can you find your people? At the end of the day, it has always been the people and my attitude that make or break an assignment for me.

Remember that traffic I thought I would never drive in? It took me about two weeks to gather my courage to drive off-base, but then I was free! Free to explore what the area had to offer. Free to take our boys on adventures. Free to embrace the foreign-land-on-US-soil we had been sent to.

But I never did master the round-abouts.