Permission to Grieve

Our world looks different. SO different than just a week ago. People are dying. Others are suffering. Some are in financial crisis. There are limits on what we can buy when we go to the store. And now students are trying to do school from home and moms and dads are trying to manage something they never chose.

We are all posting memes that make us laugh. (Thank heaven for the memes!) 

And we’re telling each other all the right things: We can do this! We are resilient! As milspouses, we were made for this!

And I believe every one of those things! I believe all the positive messages out there! We CAN do this! We WILL survive! We NEED to do this together even as we stand at least 6 feet apart.

But in our attempt to bolster each other up, are we allowing each other to feel? To experience the impact of this on our lives? Because that impact is pretty big.

When we lose someone, we are told we need to slow down and allow ourselves time to grieve the loss. If we don’t slow down to experience that grief in the moment, we will pay a price later in the form of unhealthy habits or emotions or thought patterns.

Well, friends, we have lost a lot in the last week. Have you slowed down enough to grieve that loss? If not, I am giving you permission to grieve right now.

A friend was telling me her teenage son had a small emotional meltdown the night before and she said, “I know that there are harder things people are going through—deployed spouses, cancelled PCSes, seniors missing out on their ‘lasts’....” 

But do we have to compare? Can we just all feel the impact for our own families? For our kids? For us?

Our 13-year-old son does competitive gymnastics. He still had two meets and then Regionals left and then he was going to be forced into a 2-year hiatus due to an upcoming move. It all ended abruptly with no closure at all. He can’t fathom what those seniors are feeling—he has nothing to compare it to. And it’s okay that he’s sad.

On Tuesday, I was notified that an event our older son was signed up for was cancelled in late April and for whatever reason, that was a reality check that sent me right over the emotional edge. It finally hit home that this is not going to end in a couple weeks. I was completely unstable the rest of the day. I cried. I was mad for no good reason. I cried some more. And then you know what I did? I moved on. 

It was actually very beneficial to me to admit that this thing is huge and not easy. But I didn’t stay there. I let those tears be cleansing and then I had a good night’s sleep and woke up ready to face the next day.

I have seen several posts on Facebook about moms not feeling like they have what it takes to manage their children's schooling. Or moms who are expressing frustration with how their kids are adjusting…or not adjusting, as the case may be. 

May I remind us all that this is HUGE for all of you? As moms, just a few days ago, you were going about your business while your children were well taken care of at school. You bought the groceries your family needed with no restrictions or shortages. You had your routine. 

A week ago, your children were at school, and now they have been sent home with virtually no notice or closure; our conversations revolve around a big, scary virus; they are separated from their friends; and now they are asked to do school in a whole new way. It is no wonder this week didn’t go smoothly for most families!

Add to that, many dads are also now working from home and somehow you have to manage keeping the children on task and quiet while dad works, all while managing a house you had to yourself just days ago.

To be really honest, this week was a mess in our house even though we are already a homeschooling family. Being home IS our routine and we still struggled with a new normal since all their activities were cancelled and every conversation at dinner revolved around COVID-19.

OR maybe you are the military member and you are being asked to sacrifice in big ways right now! We talk a lot about resiliency and that you are critical to the nation’s security—and you ARE!! You are some of the most resilient people I know! But you aren’t invincible. It’s okay to take a moment to allow yourself to admit this is big and you can’t do it on your own.

Let’s all take a deep breath and give each other the grace to FEEL the impact in whatever healthy way you need to. Because, yes, we are resilient. Yes, we can do this. Yes, we will get through this together. But sometimes we need to admit our weakness and just take a minute to feel that in whatever way heals a part of you.

For me, that is a good cry, some worship music and my Bible. There is nothing more centering for me. There is nothing that cleanses my soul like that combination. There is nothing that reassures me that I AM resilient; I CAN do this; and it WILL be okay.

What does that look like for you? Moms, do you need to hide in the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes so that you can go out and take care of those little hearts with big hurts? Or do you have older kids who need to see it's okay to be vulnerable right now? 

Military members, can you find someone to talk to just to admit that this thing feels overwhelming? Someone who will agree with you, but then lift you up and encourage you?

Do you need to get outside and feel the sun on your face? Take a walk?

Maybe it’s a zoom date or a facetime with someone you love who will allow you the space to be sad and then remind you of all the great things you still have in your life.

Maybe it’s a chat with a neighbor from your driveways. Or a text marathon with a trusted friend.

Whatever it is, DO it. Allow yourself to feel the impact of this and then move on stronger, more determined to find the good and the hope and the determination to be better on the other side of this thing. Because there will be the other side and I, for one, want to be stronger when we get there.