Embracing Where You Are Sent

Have you ever arrived to your new duty station and felt like you stepped onto foreign soil? Oh, maybe the base felt mostly familiar with its military-standard housing and the buildings that all look the same from the outside. But the town around you? Or the lack of the town around you? You know you are still on US soil, but nothing feels familiar. Or safe.

We were stationed outside of Boston 19 years into my husband’s career. It was a great move for him and we were able to live on base on the outskirts of the outskirts of Boston. But nothing felt easy or familiar. I was petrified of driving anywhere. I thought for sure our boys and I would be stuck at home for a year because I didn’t know how to manage a 4-lane round-about. And that was in the outskirts of the outskirts! Don’t even get me started on actually driving in the city! The first time we ventured downtown, I was navigating and pointed above our heads and exclaimed, “We are supposed to be up there!” By the time I finished my sentence, we came flying out of the tunnel we were in and had to choose 1 of 5 streets immediately in front of us. The navigation app had not been able to keep up in the tunnel, so I had no idea where to tell my husband to go. We circled a 5-block radius several times before realizing we had put in the wrong destination!

We are both from Iowa. THIS felt foreign!

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “I’m from a big city. None of that scares me!” But you are stationed in the middle of the Northern tier, surrounded by fields and livestock or snow and ice and that is what feels foreign to you.

I met a milspouse from Brazil. She and her husband were stationed in Seattle and were then sent to Malmstrom AFB in Montana. When I asked her how she felt about that change, she said, “I cried for two months after we got here.”

When I asked another milspouse how she felt about being stationed in Montana, her response was, “Not good. Not good at all!”

I think it would be safe to say that Montana felt quite foreign to these milspouses!

What can we do to embrace where we are sent when we are sent to a “foreign” land on US soil? When you show up and the only people you know are your husband and your kids or your furry friends? Or maybe you show up alone? Then what?

Some sure-fire ways to NOT embrace your current situation include: crying daily; complaining loudly and often; throwing a pity party; inviting everyone around you to feel sorry for you; declaring over and over how much you hate it there. Have you met those people? Are you one of them?!

I can assure you that when those are your responses, they will become self-fulfilling prophecies. It will be your worst assignment ever. How do I know this? Because I have thrown a pity party or two. I have hidden and cried in the bathroom of a new home more times than I would like to admit.

So, how do we embrace our foreign-land-on-US-soil assignment? Here are some tried and true methods of embracing your new location when nothing feels familiar or safe (How do I know this? Because I have experienced their success first-hand!):

Try something new! The Brazilian spouse I met? She didn’t keep crying. She and her husband decided to flip a house while they are stationed in Montana. This particular hobby has potential to pay dividends beyond just trying something new!

Get involved!  Whether it is a church, a group, a Club or a gym. Find a place to be active. The first thing we look for even before we arrive to a new base is a church. Our family knows that if we can find a place to worship, we will find like-minded people and we will most likely make life-long friends.

Give back! Our first duty station was a 9-month school as far away from home as we could get and still be in the continental United States. At the time, it didn’t seem worth it to find a job, but I needed to do something to fill my days, so I volunteered at the base’s Airmen and Family Readiness Center. I spent a few hours each week putting together packets to welcome newcomers. It wasn’t glamorous work, but I enjoyed it because I learned quite a bit about the base and the surrounding area and I got to know the kind people at the AFRC who wanted to help military families.

Take a risk! Use social media to your advantage. Many milspouses are using social media to their advantage and introducing themselves on the spouse Facebook page of their new base. They are making connections and getting invited to play groups, craft groups, wine clubs and more!

Ask your friends if they know anyone at your next assignment and ask them for an online introduction to their friend. After being in the military for 23 years, we know people stationed all over. I take full advantage of that by having a friend introduce me to her friend on FB Messenger. We establish the beginnings of a friendship long before we meet in person. My last neighbor was a close friend before we ever arrived.

No matter what else you try, always, always, ALWAYS, find your people. Some of you are thinking, “But I’m not good at making friends! I am shy/introverted/awkward.” Yep, me too. Walking into a room of complete strangers is still one of the hardest things for me to do. I am super awkward when it comes to small talk (although I have gotten better with practice) and I never know how to gracefully end a conversation. But I make myself do it anyway because I know from experience that my new best friend might be at that event and I won’t meet her if I don’t go.

I tell our boys all the time, “Look for the new people. Remember how it felt when you were new and be the person you needed someone to be for you.” You may be the new one for the moment, but let’s face it, you are only the new one for a week or a month before the next new one moves in. Watch for the moving trucks. Say Hi. Take cookies—even if they are store bought!

How will you embrace where you have been sent? Where can you find your people? At the end of the day, it has always been the people and my attitude that make or break an assignment for me.

Remember that traffic I thought I would never drive in? It took me about two weeks to gather my courage to drive off-base, but then I was free! Free to explore what the area had to offer. Free to take our boys on adventures. Free to embrace the foreign-land-on-US-soil we had been sent to.

But I never did master the round-abouts.