Gratitude in the Loneliness

I psyched myself up for Christmas Day alone. I believed I was prepared. I had a stack of Christmas movies and a phone call to home lined up. We had been married for a year and a half and on this, our second Christmas together, my husband was pulling a missile alert. I had turned down invitations to friends’ houses, thinking it would be too weird to spend Christmas with another family. But it was going to be fine. I looked forward to the quiet day to myself…. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

But then I got on the phone with my family and realized very quickly that was not actually going to help my loneliness. It only made it worse. (Thank goodness this was before Skype and FaceTime!) My mom and I were in tears within minutes. That was 20 years ago and that phone call is all I can remember of that day. I have no idea what movies I watched or what I did with myself once I got off the phone. The only clear memory I have of that day is the phone call that shone a spotlight on my loneliness.

Some of you have faced a far worse loneliness—deployments, extended TDYs, separations that span more than one holiday or special event. But most of us military families face some version of this loneliness on a yearly basis simply because we miss our families.

It is rare to find a military family who has not faced loneliness during the holidays. Whether you are lonely for your spouse, your children, or your extended family, it seems the holiday lights act as spotlights on the distance between us.

There are years I have handled this well and years I have spent in tears.

With Thanksgiving upon us, I have been reflecting on our holidays over the years. There have been some we chose to travel to visit family and some when family traveled to visit us.

But the majority of our holidays have been spent with friends who became family.

There was the year that my husband dubbed our friends’ sweet potato souffle, “Sweet Potato Crack”, because of how addicting it was. It became a standard dish for our own holiday dinners. Or the Easter dinner I hosted a large group of people and a friend’s husband told me the ham I was serving had been recalled. It is a practical joke for which I may never forgive him and still dream about getting revenge for. Or the New Year’s Eve party in 1999 when no one knew if our cars would start after midnight and we spent it at a friend’s house anyway.

I am grateful for those friends who were also military orphans during the holidays. We built life-long friendships sharing those tables together. It only took that one Christmas of being alone to realize I should not say “No” to an invitation to join in. Togetherness brings thankfulness.

A friend recently shared that she has set up her Christmas tree in 8 different houses during their 14 years of service. I’m sure you can relate! When she first told me this, I felt the loneliness and the stress that went with that statement.

But no matter what number of house it is, put that tree up! Decorate as if you never moved. Make that Thanksgiving dinner that says “home” to you. There is a sweet nostalgia in bringing our traditions with us, isn’t there? When you say “yes” to the invitations, offer to bring something that is a tradition to you—even if it isn’t to anyone else. I have introduced “Purple salad” to more people than I would have ever thought possible. I’m not sure everyone likes it as much as my children, but it is a “must” on our menu, so therefore I take it when we go!

Creatively count your blessings. I enjoy reading people’s Facebook posts as they focus on what they are thankful for this time of year. I have a friend who is so thoughtful in what she writes about that it challenges me to see the unique things I can be thankful for. Some things I have read from her: hurtful words that lead to growth, hands that can get a job done, quilts that tell a story. At Thanksgiving dinner when my family shares what we are thankful for, we all automatically think of each other first. We have to go around the table a couple times to get below the surface, but it is always worth it when we get to the creative blessings!

There is nothing quite like helping someone less fortunate than you to help you see the value in the situation you are in and take your mind off your own struggles. Who needs a hand this year? Who needs an invitation for togetherness? Whose day can you make by sharing something available to you? It doesn’t have to be fancy or grand. A simple note or invitation may mean the difference between hope and despair for someone over the holidays. Reach out. Not only will you make their day, you will improve yours as well!

Lean in. Do you have a family of your own? Start your own traditions. Keep up traditions from your childhood. Focus on those in front of you. It won’t replace those you miss, but it will remind you of all you have to be grateful for right where you are. I really miss my extended family at Christmas. My family is large and loud and laughter abounds! Growing up, my dad always wrote a scavenger hunt for one of the five of us. It led to their “large” present. We have continued that tradition in our own family and I love the childhood memories it elicits. This tradition helps me lean in to our own children and the joy on their faces, it also helps me feel closer to the family far away.

Find the joy. Just as we need to be purposeful in our relationships and finding things to be grateful for, sometimes we need to be purposeful in finding joy. Too often we get so focused on what is hard that we fail to see the good that is right in front of us. And I don’t mean just being grateful for what we have in our lives. But choose to find joy—choose to set aside the stress to see the smile on a loved one’s face as you make their favorite dish, choose laughter with family and friends in playing games or watching a favorite movie, choose a moment of reflection with your favorite music and some candles glowing. There is always joy to be found when we actively seek it.

So when the holiday lights seem to spotlight the loneliness instead of the joy, maybe an adjustment is in order. There is gratitude to be found even in the loneliness—you just might have to look a little harder to find it.