Out Of My Control

How many nights have you laid awake mentally trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? No matter which way you look at the situation, you can’t make it work.

How many of those nights involved trying to plan something over which you had no control? And how many of them had to do with something involving the military?

If you’re like me, you like to be in control. Maybe you aren’t as over-the-top as I am…. I want to navigate even when the GPS could do it for me. I like to study the amusement park map and plan how to get the most out of the day. Every morning I have a conversation with our boys about all that the day entails…whether they want those details or not.

Can you relate?

But as milspouses, we don’t have the luxury of control over most aspects of our lives.

One conversation with my husband regarding control stands out vividly. He had been in the Air Force for several years and we had thoughtfully completed many “Dream Sheets”. I have no idea what the real name for that form is, but it is basically when the Air Force kindly asks for your input into where you want to move and what job you would like to have next.

My hubby asked me, “What should we put on the Dream Sheet?” (Let it be known that I absolutely adore the fact that he asked me!)

My response? “Why does it matter? It’s just a dream anyway!” Oh, how cynical I had become!

Can you relate? How many of you have gotten your number one choice? And if you did, how often did you get it? I bet if we took a poll, the vast majority of us have more often than not been sent somewhere that wasn’t anywhere close to what we put on these Dream Sheets.

Or how about those lists we all wait for? The promotions. The school slots. Move lists. Command opportunities. Talk about out-of-our-control!

After 23 years as a milspouse, I still struggle with having no control over what happens to us in these situations. Has it gotten easier? Sure.

Is it easy? No.

One of the best ways I have learned to cope is to look back over years of positive outcomes. 

Because of my faith, I credit God’s faithfulness in my life for these outcomes. But even if you do not share that belief, I am sure you can look back and see how things worked out for good even when you had to wait or when you didn’t get what you wanted. Sometimes you may have to dig into the recesses of your brain a little to think of those things, but I have found they are always there.

Sometimes I have been blessed by an unexpected friendship that was allowed to grow because we stayed where we were longer than expected. I know others who have been able to see that a frustrating situation worked out better for their children—a child gets to stay put and graduate, or is able to participate in something they otherwise would not have been able to if they had moved sooner or hadn’t moved at all. Or a milspouse gets to finish school or keep a job they love a little longer. Or maybe the right house wasn’t available until the decision was made. There are endless benefits and blessings we may never even realize as the square pegs find the square holes of our lives.

Sometimes a career seems so affected by a decision that lays in the hands of others. On the other side of the decision is something better than you could imagine; however, in the moment, that does not reconcile with the plan you made.

We, or our spouses, entered the military with goals and hopes and dreams. And then we discovered much of the realization of those goals and dreams goes beyond just doing your best. There are politics and boxes to check and decisions we make that seem like the right one but turn out to not produce the results we expect, and then there are the actions of others that directly affect our own reality. All of this is frustrating.

But when you can look back and remember other times your lack of control led to greater things, it just might help you sleep at night.

Other times, what helps me more than looking back at the benefits that came out of it is considering how I have grown because of, or sometimes in spite of, the lack of control.

My extended family likes to ask me about our summer plans in the winter. In fact, for our boys to get into a camp with cousins, we have to decide by February or the spots fill up. Sometimes I make a stab in the dark about whether it will work and then move mountains to make that square peg fit. 

Sometimes I just keep saying, “I don’t know. Plan it without us and if it works, great!”

I am much more flexible than I was 10 or 20 years ago. This characteristic has made me a much better wife and mom.

Recently, my husband returned from a 10-week TDY and he got a call on our meticulously-planned anniversary that he would leave on a short-notice TDY just a few days later. I smiled and said something agreeable and then walked away. My husband, knowing I don’t do well with change, found me in our room where I told him, “I just need a minute to pout and then I will put on my good Air Force wife smile.”

My voice dripped with sarcasm and I hadn’t gotten to the point where I could genuinely smile, but what you need to understand is that a few years ago I would have pitched a fit—yelling and slamming doors and crying. I finally learned over many years that it is better to come to a place of acceptance because it is happening regardless of how I feel about it. I can choose to take it out on my husband or I can choose to cling to the fact that it was out of his control and allow that square peg to slide into the square hole.

Focusing on something else also helps me to survive the lack of control. When we are waiting on orders, if I can stay focused on the here and now and getting as much out of where we are as possible, then waiting takes a back seat. I focus on my kids or my marriage or a role I play on base or at church. Pouring myself into where I am as long as possible is important to me and has the side benefit of distracting me.

And let’s be honest, usually it isn’t about me at all! That short-notice TDY my husband went on had an impact on that unit that went far beyond the irritation I felt at him leaving again. We don’t always get to see the puzzle pieces being fitted together, but I believe that often what feels out of control is in complete control at another level.

When you can surrender control, you can start sleeping better. You aren’t going to fit the square peg into the round hole no matter how many hours of sleep you lose anyway!