Strongest Women I know

As milspouses, we are expected to be strong. We do our best to live up to that expectation regardless of what life and the military throw at us. Allow me to share some examples of what we do…

We PCS (Permanent Changes of Station—in civilian words, we move) every 2-4 years wherever the military tells our Active Duty spouse to go.

We leave extended family. Then we leave friends who have become like family.

We find new jobs and often restart careers over and over.

We have our babies without the support of extended family.

We single-parent through long deployments and TDYs.

We hold Powers of Attorney to buy and sell homes alone, among other things, because our Active Duty spouse is unavailable to help.

These alone make us strong, but it’s the curveballs of life that really bring out our strength. 

Such as…

When we have a baby with medical issues or a miscarriage or stillborn baby—still without the support of family to hold us and help us through it.

When we have medical issues ourselves and we continue to care for our families while battling whatever we are facing—cancer, depression, mysterious illnesses that lead to surgery at the worst possible time in your husband’s career (keep reading to see how I know about this last one!).

When something goes wrong…always when our active duty spouse is travelling. (Can we just pause here a moment and pat ourselves on the back for the number of things we overcome when they are gone?!)

When there is a pandemic. And you are sick with what is possibly the actual virus. And your spouse is deployed. And you have two small children, one of whom may or may not also have the virus.

Or when there is a pandemic and your baby has a lung problem. No, wait. Make that 3 lung issues that have nothing to do with the virus but make his little body extra vulnerable.

Or when there is a pandemic and you sold your house and started paying on a lease at your next location only to have the military enforce a Stop Movement that is literally just that—no one is moving anywhere and now you need to scramble to find housing for your family.

These are real-life examples of people I know and love. And every single one of them is an example of one of the strongest women I know.

She is strong because she cried a time or two during her ordeal, but then she overcame it and smiled again before it was over.

One Saturday morning I received a phone call from a friend who had just learned about the stop movement and was distraught because of how it would affect them financially. We talked through their options and by the end of the conversation, she took a deep breath and was ready to move on. That wasn’t because of anything I said. That was because she is strong and she knew the next thing to do was to take the next step in navigating the newest obstacle. And that’s exactly what she did. And the next time I saw her, on Zoom, she was smiling.

She is strong because she learned how to accept help from the friends who surrounded her. Maybe she even learned how to ask for help.

When my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly last year, I had friends who didn’t take my “no” as an answer and brought us meals anyway. I had no idea how much I needed them! And I have been able to do the same for others. When a friend recently lost a niece and couldn’t travel to mourn with her family, we set up meals for them—not because she couldn’t cook, but because we loved her and wanted her to know that. She appreciated the gesture because she knew she wasn’t alone.

I would not have called this a strength at the time, but during a very intense school year for my husband, I had a very weird kidney issue that required surgery in a city over an hour away from where we lived. Our boys were 6 and 3. We were surrounded by wonderful friends and family who had already done so much to help as I made trips back and forth to the city for appointments. But I begged my mom to come be with the boys while I was in the hospital and to help me for a few days after. (I didn’t have to beg very hard—she was very willing.) That may be one of the only instances I have been strong enough to ask for help!

She is strong because she did whatever it took to protect her family, stretching herself beyond what she believed she was capable of doing and then discovered she is capable of almost anything!

One precious mom learned her baby had three separate problems with his lungs. She and her husband wisely brought their daughter home from preschool and isolated themselves to protect their son from influenza, not knowing that within two weeks we would all be isolated at home and they were actually protecting him from COVID-19! Since then, she has made two trips to hospitals over three hours away to receive specialized care for him and she did it alone!

She is strong because she did what had to be done in the moment for the wellness of her husband and family.

Having in-laws stay with you during the first month of a pandemic while your husband is recovering from a knee injury, while you finish your doctorate and begin schooling your children at home is this kind of strength.

Working on your troubled marriage by getting counseling or battling through the tough stuff to get back on track is this kind of strength.

She is strong because she trusted God with an unknown future.

This one applies to so many milspouses! Whether it’s the family waiting to find out if they will move or not or the family who is separating from the military and finding a new job in a new location, this is a common one with or without a pandemic.

These are uncertain times for everyone—military or not. Our military life just happens to add some extra-faith-required to face obstacles we have little-to-no control over. But this is the surest source of strength when I face an unknown future.