Words Matter

 

                                Words matter

There is nothing new in that statement. We all know that words are important. But have you considered how the words you are saying right now to yourself and others is affecting you? 

Will you spend a couple minutes with me thinking about our words?

Think about all the books you see at the bookstore about positive thinking. It must work to some degree or they wouldn’t keep selling. Right?

So what about positive speaking? That seems like the next logical step.

Don't misunderstand me. What I am NOT suggesting is that we only speak positive words instead of talking about how hard things are or how we are doing. I believe there is room for truth-telling AND positive words.

A few years ago I made a reminder poster for my boys called: “Change your words—Change your mindset.” This list included things like:

Instead of saying “This is too hard.” Say “This will take some time and effort.”

Instead of “I give up.” Say, “What (or Who) do I know that will help me figure this out?” (Sometimes the answer was Mom!😉)

Let's try this exercise with words we use vs positive words: 

 “I can’t do this anymore!” VS.  “I am strong enough to get the help I need.”

Which one makes you feel empowered and able to conquer?

How about these:

    “I am afraid of the winter blues.” VS. “What will I do to combat the winter blues?"

    “This winter will be too hard.” VS. “I am strong enough to survive this winter.”

Much of the outcome in our lives depends on how we face the circumstances we are in. 

I recently listened to a podcast by Christine Caine and this quote was powerful to me, “We need to stop believing the facts and believe the truth instead.”

What are the facts? COVID has robbed us of many things during the last several months. The winter will be dark and cold (especially for those of us in the Northern Tier!).

What is the truth about COVID? We have gotten very creative as a military community during COVID and some of the creativity has gained us practices that will continue even after COVID is over. We have made it this far and we can make it a few more months.

What is the truth about winter? We have a choice to find ways to stay connected. We are strong enough to withstand the dark and the cold with some forethought and planning.

I believe these things because I have lived them. Along with almost everyone else who PCSed this summer, our move was a train wreck. It seemed that every time I turned around, another aspect of the move fell apart. But the move was only the beginning of the issues—we lost a loved one very unexpectedly in a new place where we knew very few people and I was handed a role on base that I struggled to get my head around.

At some point, I listened to the words coming out of my mouth and realized I was only adding to my frustration.  I realized that as I spent time complaining and, let’s face it, whining, I was missing opportunities to acknowledge all the good things about the summer -- seeing our oldest son thrive as he staffed a Scout camp, watching our younger one face the adventure of a move with his puppy for the first time, exploring our new surroundings, seeing extended family, making new friends and realizing we had people who cared about us enough to help us immediately.

But the negatives were the things I spoke about to people and it showed in how I handled the move.

Is this easy? No.

Does it fix ALL the problems? Absolutely not.

But when I realized the impact my words were making on my mental state, I knew I needed to change some things. I started with the words I allowed into my heart and my head. I made a “Mom’s Hope Playlist” and played it often. I got back to reading and studying Psalms because somehow reading those Psalms of lament helped me remember I was not alone, that it was okay to feel how I felt, but that I didn’t need to stay there. I started recognizing the good that was coming out of the hard and allowed that to be part of my internal narrative. I chose to do things I didn’t feel like doing, but knew I would be happy I did—like taking long walks with our son and his dog or playing a card game when I wanted my day to be over.

I started to be more careful with the words I spoke and the words I allowed to speak into me. And it made a difference.

I am in no way suggesting it is this easy for everyone. It’s not. Sometimes the circumstances or the depression or the anxiety are too much to overcome alone. I do believe honesty is even more important than saying positive things. We need to talk honestly about how we are doing. And when you are struggling with depression or anxiety, please get the help you need!

We were never meant to be alone. So, maybe the secret is allowing someone else to speak those words of life and healing into you until you can start saying them to yourself. If you are affiliated with the military, the chaplains or MFLACs are great people to reach out to.

If this seems like an area you could improve in, here are some steps you could start taking:

- Start a gratitude journal. There is a reason these are so popular—because they work. No matter how hard things are, I do truly believe there is always something to be thankful for. Even if it is the smallest thing. Maybe it is a warm puppy snuggle. Or the smile of your child. Or the warm blankets when you don’t want to get out of bed.

- Make your own playlist of the songs that speak hope into your life.

- Find a book that speaks hope to your soul.

- Determine to tell someone in your life one good thing that happened that day for you.

- Find a friend who will compel you to do the one thing you know you need to do—get to the gym, be outside, look for help, get out of the house.

- Find someone who will ask you thought-provoking questions. Questions that make you say out loud what you are struggling with. Questions that will help you find what you need to find the good and the positive. Questions that lead you to being honest with yourself about what you need to thrive.

Remind yourself that you ARE strong enough. You are strong enough to overcome AND you are strong enough to admit when you need more help than positive words.

There is a really good chance that nothing I have said is new to you. But I hope I made you think. I hope I have helped you consider what words you are allowing to affect you and maybe even consider how to change your own internal narrative. It won’t fix everything, but I do believe it could be the catalyst to your ability to not just survive, but thrive through COVID and the long winter....or whatever else you are facing!

Empty Houses

As an Air Force family we experience more than our fair share of empty houses. Empty when we arrive, empty when we leave. We have lived in apartments, rentals, a home we purchased, base houses. Some, we have chosen; many have been chosen for us. No matter how many bedrooms or bathrooms or the state or age of the house, the empty house, upon arrival, holds our hopes and dreams for the next few months or years.

The empty house, at the beginning, is nothing more than a shell. It is not filled with our laughter and our memories, our conversations or growth, our arguments and forgiveness, our love. We have not experienced life here. Right now, it is just the place we will live. It is not "home".

We walk through the rooms and plan where we will place our furniture. We wonder where we will put the extra table and chairs or the big comfy chair Chris bought for me to read in--the one that fit perfectly in the house we first brought it home to, but has not fit perfectly anywhere else. 

Will the bedroom be big enough for all of Michael’s Legos? How will all the guitars, drums and office furniture fit? 

Will the kitchen hold all the paraphernalia I have collected over the years? Or will I down-size as I did in the “Great DC Kitchen Purge”? Is there a wall for my favorite piece of art or Chris' awards? Where will we do school?

But, really, the important questions are: how much will the boys grow while we are here? Who will be our friends? What will the Lord teach us in this location? How will we grow and change and learn in this shell?

When our household goods arrive, we fill the shell with the familiar and we begin life. The "house" becomes "home" and we fill it with laughter and love. We host family and friends, new and old, and introduce them to our new home and they become a part of this place. We watch our boys mature. We come and go as we fill our days with new events and sports. The house becomes a background, a stage, so to speak, for lives fully lived. We enjoy it and invest in it; we make it our own.

Until the orders arrive. Until we are told that we need to prepare to move. The movers arrive and unceremoniously pack all our belongings. Boxes fill all the empty spaces. The truck shows up and the boxes begin to disappear. And in that process, this shell that has become a home, begins to be a shell again. Only this time, it holds our memories and the fulfillment of our hopes and dreams as well as the disappointments and losses we have experienced.

We walk through the house and remember when. We reflect on the months or years in that space, on the changes that have occurred in our family, in each of us as individuals, while we filled this shell and made it our home. 

Most often, we do not regret the good-bye to the shell. What we find difficult is the good-bye to all it has represented in the time we have lived there. Good-bye to the boys' nurseries. Good-bye to the school room that held so much learning and laughter. Good-bye to the family room that hosted so many family movie and game nights. Good-bye to the porch where we shared our dreams for our future late at night. Good-bye to the garage our oldest son backed out of on his first drive after receiving his license. Good-bye to the yard that held our youngest’s first puppy.

The good-bye to the shell represents a good-bye to the life we have fully lived in that season. A life we usually regret leaving behind. Regret......and yet......when we look back, we remember that this place was once new, this house was once a shell that held no memories and we look forward with hope because we can see how faithful God has been in filling not just the shell, but our lives here in this place that we came to call home. And we trust that God, in that same faithfulness, will help us fill a new shell once again until we can call that one "home” as well.

“Lord, through all the generations you have been our home!” Psalm 90:1

Strongest Women I know

As milspouses, we are expected to be strong. We do our best to live up to that expectation regardless of what life and the military throw at us. Allow me to share some examples of what we do…

We PCS (Permanent Changes of Station—in civilian words, we move) every 2-4 years wherever the military tells our Active Duty spouse to go.

We leave extended family. Then we leave friends who have become like family.

We find new jobs and often restart careers over and over.

We have our babies without the support of extended family.

We single-parent through long deployments and TDYs.

We hold Powers of Attorney to buy and sell homes alone, among other things, because our Active Duty spouse is unavailable to help.

These alone make us strong, but it’s the curveballs of life that really bring out our strength. 

Such as…

When we have a baby with medical issues or a miscarriage or stillborn baby—still without the support of family to hold us and help us through it.

When we have medical issues ourselves and we continue to care for our families while battling whatever we are facing—cancer, depression, mysterious illnesses that lead to surgery at the worst possible time in your husband’s career (keep reading to see how I know about this last one!).

When something goes wrong…always when our active duty spouse is travelling. (Can we just pause here a moment and pat ourselves on the back for the number of things we overcome when they are gone?!)

When there is a pandemic. And you are sick with what is possibly the actual virus. And your spouse is deployed. And you have two small children, one of whom may or may not also have the virus.

Or when there is a pandemic and your baby has a lung problem. No, wait. Make that 3 lung issues that have nothing to do with the virus but make his little body extra vulnerable.

Or when there is a pandemic and you sold your house and started paying on a lease at your next location only to have the military enforce a Stop Movement that is literally just that—no one is moving anywhere and now you need to scramble to find housing for your family.

These are real-life examples of people I know and love. And every single one of them is an example of one of the strongest women I know.

She is strong because she cried a time or two during her ordeal, but then she overcame it and smiled again before it was over.

One Saturday morning I received a phone call from a friend who had just learned about the stop movement and was distraught because of how it would affect them financially. We talked through their options and by the end of the conversation, she took a deep breath and was ready to move on. That wasn’t because of anything I said. That was because she is strong and she knew the next thing to do was to take the next step in navigating the newest obstacle. And that’s exactly what she did. And the next time I saw her, on Zoom, she was smiling.

She is strong because she learned how to accept help from the friends who surrounded her. Maybe she even learned how to ask for help.

When my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly last year, I had friends who didn’t take my “no” as an answer and brought us meals anyway. I had no idea how much I needed them! And I have been able to do the same for others. When a friend recently lost a niece and couldn’t travel to mourn with her family, we set up meals for them—not because she couldn’t cook, but because we loved her and wanted her to know that. She appreciated the gesture because she knew she wasn’t alone.

I would not have called this a strength at the time, but during a very intense school year for my husband, I had a very weird kidney issue that required surgery in a city over an hour away from where we lived. Our boys were 6 and 3. We were surrounded by wonderful friends and family who had already done so much to help as I made trips back and forth to the city for appointments. But I begged my mom to come be with the boys while I was in the hospital and to help me for a few days after. (I didn’t have to beg very hard—she was very willing.) That may be one of the only instances I have been strong enough to ask for help!

She is strong because she did whatever it took to protect her family, stretching herself beyond what she believed she was capable of doing and then discovered she is capable of almost anything!

One precious mom learned her baby had three separate problems with his lungs. She and her husband wisely brought their daughter home from preschool and isolated themselves to protect their son from influenza, not knowing that within two weeks we would all be isolated at home and they were actually protecting him from COVID-19! Since then, she has made two trips to hospitals over three hours away to receive specialized care for him and she did it alone!

She is strong because she did what had to be done in the moment for the wellness of her husband and family.

Having in-laws stay with you during the first month of a pandemic while your husband is recovering from a knee injury, while you finish your doctorate and begin schooling your children at home is this kind of strength.

Working on your troubled marriage by getting counseling or battling through the tough stuff to get back on track is this kind of strength.

She is strong because she trusted God with an unknown future.

This one applies to so many milspouses! Whether it’s the family waiting to find out if they will move or not or the family who is separating from the military and finding a new job in a new location, this is a common one with or without a pandemic.

These are uncertain times for everyone—military or not. Our military life just happens to add some extra-faith-required to face obstacles we have little-to-no control over. But this is the surest source of strength when I face an unknown future.

Source of Hope

Hope. Hope of Spring. Hope of a new day. Hope of healing. Hope of something new. Hope of leaving our houses.

We put our hope in many things—finances, the economy, friendship, marriage, the Air Force, the government.

But hope is a fickle thing. We can feel hopeless even when we know we should have hope. Winter often seems never-ending here in Montana, but it is not hopeless because we all know spring will eventually arrive. Even as the snow continued to fall, the buds on the tree in the above picture reminded me that spring is on the way.

Miscarrying our first baby left me with a feeling of utter hopelessness. Even though I knew it was a common occurrence and had even known friends who had miscarried and then gone on to have healthy babies, and even though the doctor assured me there was no underlying medical condition that made getting pregnant again a risk, I still felt hopeless. Even though there was every reason to hope, I felt hopeless. Hope can be fickle.

What hopeless situations have you faced? Maybe this pandemic and the ways it is affecting you feels hopeless. The people out protesting the stay-at-home orders must feel hopeless in the situations in which they find themselves!

Even we milspouses, who are used to having the government tell us what to do on an almost-daily basis, are feeling the hopelessness of various situations within the pandemic. A move that was supposed to happen but is postponed and then postponed again. Seniors graduating without the celebrations we desire for them. Work schedules that look different than normal and have thrown off our day-to-day routine. Schoolwork which seems impossible to explain to students who listen better when a teacher tells them what to do. Cancelled vacations with little hope of rescheduling. All of these situations might have a sense of hopelessness to them.

Where do we turn when hopelessness closes in? 

Those things I mentioned earlier—finances, the economy, friendship, marriage, the Air Force, the government—all fail us eventually. None of those are dependable sources of hope. And many are experiencing the truth of that right now. People are out of work with no income. The economy has taken an extreme hit. Friendships cannot solve most of the problems we face (although they often provide a wonderful distraction!). Our marriages are facing their own issues—magnified by being together all the time or by lengthy separations. And the Air Force, well, we all know that can be a roller coaster ride in itself!

I have moved away from many friends over the years. At one location, I was very close with one friend in particular. We had boys the same age and we did all kinds of things together, spending time together several days of the week. When it was time for my family to move, we said we would keep in contact and not go more than a couple weeks without catching up. It has been several years now since I have been in contact with her. I’m not exactly sure what happened, it wasn’t a falling-out, it was just a falling-away. But if my hope had been in that friendship, I would have found myself hopeless when the friendship didn’t last.

What, then, is a dependable source of hope? Is there a hope that isn’t fickle? In my experience, the only dependable place to go for hope is faith in a God who promises He is the “same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8).

This might beg the question: What about Him is the same? What characteristics make Him dependable? That is a question with so many answers I couldn’t begin to cover all of them, but let’s look at a verse that captures several.

Psalm 36: 5-7 tells us, “Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.” (italics mine)

His love never ends; He is faithful; He is right and just; He cares; He shelters us. Yet, these are just the tip of the iceberg in describing God’s never-changing attributes!

If these are all true characteristics of God (and I believe they are), we see that we can depend on Him. And if that is the case, then we can begin to believe we could have hope in Him. A hope that is not fickle.

Romans 15:13 says, “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Not only can we have hope in Him, He is the very source of hope. He is where our hope originates. Without Him, there is no true hope. And with His joy and peace filling us, we can “overflow with confident hope.” Who doesn’t want a little of that in their lives?!

So, if He can instill in us the hope we need in all our situations, what impossible situations have hope because of Him?

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.” (Psalm 37: 23)

Every detail of our lives. What detail do you need to entrust to Him in this season of your life?

Does that detail seem impossible? Hopeless?

Then allow me to tell you why you’re wrong. If you believe what I have been saying, then you believe in a God who is in the business of making a way where there was no way. As a popular worship song says, He is a “way-maker”.  

“When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. … But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. … Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters—a pathway no one knew was there!” (Psalm 77: 2, 11, 19)

A path no one knew was there. A way-maker. Does your situation seem like there is no way? Trust in the One who is in the business of making paths where no one else saw one. The One who makes a way.

Mark Batterson, an author and pastor in DC, says it this way: “Jesus says, ‘I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.’ Jesus isn’t just the way, He is the way-maker. … Jesus walks on water. No way! WAY! … Jesus encounters a man born blind…there is no way you are ever going to see again. No way! WAY! … Lazarus, 4 days dead, you are never going to see the light of day again. No way! WAY!”

We can choose to put our hope in many things in this life, but in my own experience, He has always been the only dependable hope, the only hope that is not fickle. Let’s be honest, I still have to walk through difficult circumstances. I have never received a full-blown miracle like the ones listed above. But in every situation in which I have placed my hope in Him, He has been faithful to walk beside me and to make a way where I couldn’t see a way. “This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.” (Hebrews 6:19)

I believe that for your situation as well. May the way-maker reveal His path that no one knows in there!

Where will you place your hope?

Grace enough...

There is grace enough for this. You have grace enough for this. For this social distancing. For this isolation. For 100% family time all the time. For being a “facilitator of education”. For each other. For being asked to give more of yourself than you think you have to give.

How do we even begin to list the ways we need grace right now?

Maybe what we don’t need is a list.

Maybe what we need is a definition. A place to begin….

Did you know Meriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary has 8 definitions for the word grace? Some don’t apply: a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura; or a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop. 

But some of them do apply to this COVID-19 season of self isolation we are in. Let's look at the ones that have something to teach us.

Grace: a charming or attractive trait or characteristic; a pleasing appearance or effect; ease and suppleness of movement or bearing.

              

Please excuse my lack of grace since I am no longer doing my hair or my makeup. Is this true for anyone else or it is just me?!

Grace: a sense of propriety or right. The quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful.

Please have the grace to obey our government’s requests and orders to stay at home right now.

There is grace for the different ways we approach this. One family may determine that take-out is too risky and another deems it safe. One family allows their children to play outside with other kids and another thinks it is too dangerous. We should have grace for these things. Our government and our base leadership have not asked us to give those things up (yet), so they have not determined either to be unsafe, yet we have different approaches. There is grace for this.

What ways are you seeing this type of grace? 

Grace: approval, favor, disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy or clemency; a temporary exemption.

I have a text thread with my neighbors right now so whenever someone is headed to the commissary, we check in to see if anyone else needs something. We are extending grace to each other.

              

Each morning I have a devotion time with my boys during breakfast and we pray we would have grace and kindness for one another through the day. Even though we homeschool, both boys had activities that took them outside the house and away from each other for hours every day. They no longer have that and it is a lot of together time! Most of you are experiencing a LOT more time together than you have ever had before. Do you have grace for one another?

              

One of my boys is an extrovert who wakes up with energy and ready to go complete with words and songs and noises. The other is an extreme introvert who prefers quiet. It takes quite a bit of grace for them to get through breakfast together! (Sometimes it takes a lot of my own grace or a quiet request of less extra noise if all this occurs before my morning coffee!) 

I bet you have similar situations and stories in your own homes. We have to have grace for each other’s different personalities and the ways we approach life. Even how much personal space we need!

No matter what your personal situation, if you are married, this whole thing has probably stretched your marriage in some way, too. For some of you, you are together 24/7. Maybe others of you are apart longer than you are used to. Either end of the spectrum requires extra grace for one another. How do you navigate that as a couple? In what way does your spouse need grace from you right now? 

Grace: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification; a virtue coming from God; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance.

This is by far my favorite definition of grace! Do you know why? Because it reminds me I don’t have to do this alone. Re-read this: unmerited divine assistance given to humans. In non-dictionary terms, this simply means we don’t deserve it, but God doesn’t make us do this alone. In fact, according to this definition, grace is a trait that comes from God, not ourselves.

              

There is not a single piece of this season or situation that God does not know about and He stands ready to help. He knew it would be too much for us, but He isn’t asking us to do it alone.

              

Today was a hard day for me. I faced a mountain of grief over something our family is missing out on. And in spite of starting my day in Psalms and listening to worship music, my tears have not subsided. And you know what? There is grace for that. God has met me here in this place in some amazing ways! My sister called when I didn’t plan to talk to her because I knew I would just cry. And I did, but she was such an encouragement to me as she waited patiently for me to explain through the tears. A dear friend who often asks what she can pray for understood and placed value on my emotions even though she is facing something much more difficult. Another friend checked in and got the whole story only to text me back the most amazing, perfect-for-today prayer. My mom has checked in and prayed for me several times today and told me how amazing I am. I texted back that I don’t feel amazing, but am so thankful that she still thinks so. 

God was in each one of those encounters. Reminding me that I am not alone—not only has He shown Himself present with me, He has sent so many others to show me I have friends walking (figuratively) beside me as well.

              

There is grace for this. There is grace for the grief-filled days. There is grace for the joy-filled days. There is grace for every kind of day in between—the stressed days and the sleepy days and the I-am-a-rockstar-mom kind of days and the I-suck-at-everything kind of days. Even in your isolation, you are not alone. And there is grace enough to get you through this season.

Permission to Grieve

Our world looks different. SO different than just a week ago. People are dying. Others are suffering. Some are in financial crisis. There are limits on what we can buy when we go to the store. And now students are trying to do school from home and moms and dads are trying to manage something they never chose.

We are all posting memes that make us laugh. (Thank heaven for the memes!) 

And we’re telling each other all the right things: We can do this! We are resilient! As milspouses, we were made for this!

And I believe every one of those things! I believe all the positive messages out there! We CAN do this! We WILL survive! We NEED to do this together even as we stand at least 6 feet apart.

But in our attempt to bolster each other up, are we allowing each other to feel? To experience the impact of this on our lives? Because that impact is pretty big.

When we lose someone, we are told we need to slow down and allow ourselves time to grieve the loss. If we don’t slow down to experience that grief in the moment, we will pay a price later in the form of unhealthy habits or emotions or thought patterns.

Well, friends, we have lost a lot in the last week. Have you slowed down enough to grieve that loss? If not, I am giving you permission to grieve right now.

A friend was telling me her teenage son had a small emotional meltdown the night before and she said, “I know that there are harder things people are going through—deployed spouses, cancelled PCSes, seniors missing out on their ‘lasts’....” 

But do we have to compare? Can we just all feel the impact for our own families? For our kids? For us?

Our 13-year-old son does competitive gymnastics. He still had two meets and then Regionals left and then he was going to be forced into a 2-year hiatus due to an upcoming move. It all ended abruptly with no closure at all. He can’t fathom what those seniors are feeling—he has nothing to compare it to. And it’s okay that he’s sad.

On Tuesday, I was notified that an event our older son was signed up for was cancelled in late April and for whatever reason, that was a reality check that sent me right over the emotional edge. It finally hit home that this is not going to end in a couple weeks. I was completely unstable the rest of the day. I cried. I was mad for no good reason. I cried some more. And then you know what I did? I moved on. 

It was actually very beneficial to me to admit that this thing is huge and not easy. But I didn’t stay there. I let those tears be cleansing and then I had a good night’s sleep and woke up ready to face the next day.

I have seen several posts on Facebook about moms not feeling like they have what it takes to manage their children's schooling. Or moms who are expressing frustration with how their kids are adjusting…or not adjusting, as the case may be. 

May I remind us all that this is HUGE for all of you? As moms, just a few days ago, you were going about your business while your children were well taken care of at school. You bought the groceries your family needed with no restrictions or shortages. You had your routine. 

A week ago, your children were at school, and now they have been sent home with virtually no notice or closure; our conversations revolve around a big, scary virus; they are separated from their friends; and now they are asked to do school in a whole new way. It is no wonder this week didn’t go smoothly for most families!

Add to that, many dads are also now working from home and somehow you have to manage keeping the children on task and quiet while dad works, all while managing a house you had to yourself just days ago.

To be really honest, this week was a mess in our house even though we are already a homeschooling family. Being home IS our routine and we still struggled with a new normal since all their activities were cancelled and every conversation at dinner revolved around COVID-19.

OR maybe you are the military member and you are being asked to sacrifice in big ways right now! We talk a lot about resiliency and that you are critical to the nation’s security—and you ARE!! You are some of the most resilient people I know! But you aren’t invincible. It’s okay to take a moment to allow yourself to admit this is big and you can’t do it on your own.

Let’s all take a deep breath and give each other the grace to FEEL the impact in whatever healthy way you need to. Because, yes, we are resilient. Yes, we can do this. Yes, we will get through this together. But sometimes we need to admit our weakness and just take a minute to feel that in whatever way heals a part of you.

For me, that is a good cry, some worship music and my Bible. There is nothing more centering for me. There is nothing that cleanses my soul like that combination. There is nothing that reassures me that I AM resilient; I CAN do this; and it WILL be okay.

What does that look like for you? Moms, do you need to hide in the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes so that you can go out and take care of those little hearts with big hurts? Or do you have older kids who need to see it's okay to be vulnerable right now? 

Military members, can you find someone to talk to just to admit that this thing feels overwhelming? Someone who will agree with you, but then lift you up and encourage you?

Do you need to get outside and feel the sun on your face? Take a walk?

Maybe it’s a zoom date or a facetime with someone you love who will allow you the space to be sad and then remind you of all the great things you still have in your life.

Maybe it’s a chat with a neighbor from your driveways. Or a text marathon with a trusted friend.

Whatever it is, DO it. Allow yourself to feel the impact of this and then move on stronger, more determined to find the good and the hope and the determination to be better on the other side of this thing. Because there will be the other side and I, for one, want to be stronger when we get there.

Compressed But Not Crushed; Stretched But Not Snapped

It is winter in Montana. The time of year that brings cold days, long nights and snow. It is a hard season to get through here in the Northern Tier. And since resiliency is a hot topic in the Air Force these days, it seems like an appropriate time to talk about it.

What does resiliency mean to you? I have always thought of resiliency as the ability to stay strong or to keep on keeping on no matter what.

But the dictionary defines it this way:

1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.   

2) ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Do you know what I like about the dictionary definition versus my own? It allows for the reality that everything is not always okay. I love the image the first definition elicits. Anyone else think of Elastigirl or Gumby when you heard that definition?  

Have you ever felt bent, compressed or stretched?

Before one move, I told my husband, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. I am just so weary.” We were preparing to leave a base and community we loved for a one-year assignment and I felt exhausted just thinking about back-to-back moves. He was close to being eligible for retirement and we were having very real conversations about what came next. I felt bent and stretched beyond my capability to not break. But we moved anyway, knowing that accepting that assignment meant he would incur a longer commitment.

During another PCS, our teen son faced a lot of anger and frustration about the move and I felt crushed under the weight of his emotions. Once again, I thought, “This is it! I can’t keep doing this!” 

But here we are, several years later, staring down another PCS about which I am very optimistic. How is that possible? Whether you call it resiliency or something else, I found deep within me and through my faith an ability to bounce back. And, I would add, not just bounce back to my “original form,” but to be strengthened through the experience. Strengthened in a way that has me trusting God more; strengthened to be strong for my family and more encouraging for my husband; strengthened to face the roller coasters of military life without riding them emotionally.

What crushes you? What bends and stretches you to your breaking point? How do you bounce back?

The Air Force has identified 4 cornerstones of what makes Airmen resilient and I would argue they apply to we milspouses as well. Let’s take a look at these cornerstones and see how they can apply to our lives.

Physical – how many of you know you feel better when you move your body more? I have been in physical therapy for months because I neglected an issue with my back for years and I am paying the price of not taking care of myself physically. Now that I am getting healed, I am finding I want to move more and I feel better mentally and emotionally, too!

What does taking care of yourself physically mean to you? Better nutrition? More movement? Less alcohol? More sleep? What would it take for you to feel better?

Many of us have heard for years how our physical fitness affects our moods and our psychological state. This is not new information. But have you experienced it?

I am not a runner and I have no desire to become one. But one year I felt very strongly that I was supposed to run a 5K. What I discovered in that process was that as my body grew stronger, I felt stronger emotionally and better prepared to face the demands on my time. I felt empowered. I was more resilient.

What step can you take to become more physically fit?

Mental – I have several friends who have gone back to school because they needed something that is theirs alone and that challenges them mentally. The effort to challenge themselves, to push themselves in this way, helps them be mentally strong. Others have jobs that are mentally fulfilling.

When I was pregnant, I read several books about what to expect. Then I read parenting books about how to be a good mom. Now I read the books I assign my boys so I can discuss the books with them. But you can find me reading about all sorts of topics like personality types, “The Art of Gathering”, and Bible studies. I also homeschool our two boys and that is a mental challenge in and of itself.

What does mental resilience mean to you? Maybe it doesn’t mean school or a job. But what does it mean, then? How do you keep yourself mentally strong? Are there books you could read on subjects that interest you to keep your skills sharp?

Social – Finding your community is SO important in our nomad lifestyle! We usually don’t have family to rely on and we have to find our tribe. I call myself an introvert and on the weekends there is nothing I would rather do than hang out at home with my family. But even I know I need a community!

Most Air Force bases have a multitude of activities you can participate in—everything from Outdoor Recreation trips to play groups for toddlers. But you have to look for them.

One day when I was having lunch with a milspouse, she told me her neighbor is a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year old and is so lonely and never gets out of her house. I asked her if she knew about the library’s toddler story-time or the community center’s toddler time or the Club’s Jumpin’ Java where they blow up the bounce houses for little ones. I realize that sometimes we have to dig to find an outlet, but it is always worth it!

Be creative. Some of my best friends are not from base at all but are civilian. Sometimes what we most need is a friend with a different perspective. My civilian friends often remind me that there is life outside of the military and also give me a space to be me and not “just” my husband’s wife.

Where do you go to find your tribe? Where do you go to fulfill this cornerstone of resiliency? If you don’t have one, what step can you take to find your people?

Spiritual – This is probably the most important cornerstone for me personally. I cannot fathom navigating this military life without my faith.

During December’s holiday craziness, I texted a friend, “I’m drowning!” She replied, “Have you talked to God lately?” It stopped me in my tracks. With one question, she pin-pointed the reason I was drowning.

The first 6 months after any PCS are the hardest for me because I haven’t found my tribe and my husband is normally busy learning a new job, which leaves me feeling very lonely. But what I have learned over the years, is that this is actually a gift because it forces me to rely on God to meet me in my loneliness. Those have been times of great personal spiritual growth.

In order for me to be strong spiritually, I know that I need to be reading my Bible, spending time with others who believe the same way I do, and be involved in a local church. A friend recently told me she faithfully keeps a gratitude journal because it helps her focus on what is important. I would call that spiritual resiliency.

What do you do to be spiritually strong?

While the answers to these questions will be different for each of us, I do believe it is important to take the time to answer them. This military life is not for the faint of heart and we need all the help we can get to survive the ups and downs. I challenge you to take some time to answer these questions so when you are compressed and stretched, you have the tools to bounce back, to return to your original state, or, maybe, even to grow stronger. How will you be resilient?