Roots

As a military family, how do you withstand the hurricane-force winds of our military lifestyle? The deployments and long hours and high Ops tempos? The TDYs, the loneliness and the distance from family? How do you sink your roots deep enough to not topple when the winds blow?

When we lived in Northern Virginia, we experienced some epic windstorms. Large trees would blow over, pulling the entire root system from the ground. 

This was so confusing to me, a MidWest girl who has spent her fair share of time in windy locations where the large trees do not blow over from the roots up. I couldn’t help thinking that if the trees in Virginia had just put their roots deeper, they could have withstood the high winds. So, why didn’t they?

I decided to do a little research and here is what I found on a Fairfax County, Virginia website on a conservation page titled “Understanding Tree Roots”:

“Tree roots anchor the tree in the soil, keeping it straight and stable, and absorb water from the soil. Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.

“Eighty percent of all roots occur in the top 12-36 inches of the soil. In sandy, well drained soils some trees such as oaks and pines develop deep roots, directly beneath the trunk. These are commonly called taproots but are actually deeper roots that help anchor the tree. Most trees never develop taproots, especially when the water table is close to the surface or when the soil is compacted.”

Did you catch that? The roots of these 3-4 story-high trees only go 1-3 feet into the ground. Now, I don’t know much about trees, but I can imagine that even 3 feet of roots under the ground will not effectively hold a large tree in place when a windstorm kicks up.

Roots are hard to come by as military families. We move so often, the roots don’t get very deep before we have to rip them up and start over, much like the trees in Virginia. But, just like trees, we NEED roots to stand tall and be stable.

So, how do we develop a root system that will withstand the wind?

We need to absorb water from the soil. Where do you get water? What place in your life do you feel satisfied, filled up, not thirsty? Is it being with friends? Is it being alone? Is it being with family? Is it working or volunteering? Is it being at church? Is it family game night or movie night?

When our sons were 4 and 1, my husband’s job kept him at work from 6 am until 11 pm and often on weekends. It was so hard to answer my 4-year-old’s questions of when he would see Daddy again because we never knew. I adore my kids, but I was getting crushed by the single-parenting and I didn’t like the mom I was becoming. I was parched. So, I pressed in to the friendships I had made with other moms with sons the same ages and I hired a sitter for a Friday afternoon every other week. Those were the wisest decisions I could have made in that desert. Find your water and do what it takes to drink deeply of it.

“Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.” What do you need in this season of life? Growth? Development? Repair? No matter where you are, there are resources for this. No matter what winds you are facing, there are nutrients and chemicals to be had.

If you need to see some personal growth, look for spouse trainings across the base and in your local area. The Chapel, Airmen and Family Readiness, Outdoor Rec, and other organizations offer trainings for a variety of seasons of life.

Need some personal development? Most bases have educational and career development resources for spouses. Or classes about parenting. Or arts and crafts classes. Or take an online class in a hobby you have always wanted to pursue. Find a Bible study or a small group at a church where you can feed your spiritual needs.

In need of some personal repair? This military life is no joke and the weight of it is heavy. Or maybe you came into the military life and were already carrying some baggage that has been compounded. Find your MFLAC—an on-base counselor who can walk with you and help relieve the pressure. Or talk to a Chaplain. Or get referred to an off-base counselor. Or seek out a pastor in the community. Or maybe it is simpler than all that and what you need is a good friend’s listening ear.

I have personally needed all of these at one stage of life or another—growth, development and repair. Due to my faith, I most often seek out the nutrients and chemicals I need at the local church we have plugged in to. This has looked different at different stages of life for me. Sometimes I have led a Bible study because I wanted to grow as a leader. Sometimes I have attended one because I needed the gift of repair it offered me. Always, I have surrounded myself with friends who will listen. I have also found that I require a variety of friends—those who are peers on this military journey and don’t require a lot of back-story, civilian friends who just know me as my sons’ mom instead of the wife of my active-duty husband, and friends who are just my friends because of who I am and not because of my kids or my husband.

What do you need to do to develop taproots, the roots that will keep you standing straight and stable as you face the windstorms of life? Too often we don’t grow our roots deep because we know our time somewhere is temporary. We fear the pain of pulling them up once again to start over in a new location. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is painful! But if we choose to keep our roots shallow in each location, we can’t stand straight and we won’t be stable. So, take a risk, dig deep, soak in all there is where you are currently living because when you move again, you will start with stronger roots, you will be able to engage sooner and deeper because you will have learned the value of strong, deep roots.

Embracing Where You Are Sent

Have you ever arrived to your new duty station and felt like you stepped onto foreign soil? Oh, maybe the base felt mostly familiar with its military-standard housing and the buildings that all look the same from the outside. But the town around you? Or the lack of the town around you? You know you are still on US soil, but nothing feels familiar. Or safe.

We were stationed outside of Boston 19 years into my husband’s career. It was a great move for him and we were able to live on base on the outskirts of the outskirts of Boston. But nothing felt easy or familiar. I was petrified of driving anywhere. I thought for sure our boys and I would be stuck at home for a year because I didn’t know how to manage a 4-lane round-about. And that was in the outskirts of the outskirts! Don’t even get me started on actually driving in the city! The first time we ventured downtown, I was navigating and pointed above our heads and exclaimed, “We are supposed to be up there!” By the time I finished my sentence, we came flying out of the tunnel we were in and had to choose 1 of 5 streets immediately in front of us. The navigation app had not been able to keep up in the tunnel, so I had no idea where to tell my husband to go. We circled a 5-block radius several times before realizing we had put in the wrong destination!

We are both from Iowa. THIS felt foreign!

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “I’m from a big city. None of that scares me!” But you are stationed in the middle of the Northern tier, surrounded by fields and livestock or snow and ice and that is what feels foreign to you.

I met a milspouse from Brazil. She and her husband were stationed in Seattle and were then sent to Malmstrom AFB in Montana. When I asked her how she felt about that change, she said, “I cried for two months after we got here.”

When I asked another milspouse how she felt about being stationed in Montana, her response was, “Not good. Not good at all!”

I think it would be safe to say that Montana felt quite foreign to these milspouses!

What can we do to embrace where we are sent when we are sent to a “foreign” land on US soil? When you show up and the only people you know are your husband and your kids or your furry friends? Or maybe you show up alone? Then what?

Some sure-fire ways to NOT embrace your current situation include: crying daily; complaining loudly and often; throwing a pity party; inviting everyone around you to feel sorry for you; declaring over and over how much you hate it there. Have you met those people? Are you one of them?!

I can assure you that when those are your responses, they will become self-fulfilling prophecies. It will be your worst assignment ever. How do I know this? Because I have thrown a pity party or two. I have hidden and cried in the bathroom of a new home more times than I would like to admit.

So, how do we embrace our foreign-land-on-US-soil assignment? Here are some tried and true methods of embracing your new location when nothing feels familiar or safe (How do I know this? Because I have experienced their success first-hand!):

Try something new! The Brazilian spouse I met? She didn’t keep crying. She and her husband decided to flip a house while they are stationed in Montana. This particular hobby has potential to pay dividends beyond just trying something new!

Get involved!  Whether it is a church, a group, a Club or a gym. Find a place to be active. The first thing we look for even before we arrive to a new base is a church. Our family knows that if we can find a place to worship, we will find like-minded people and we will most likely make life-long friends.

Give back! Our first duty station was a 9-month school as far away from home as we could get and still be in the continental United States. At the time, it didn’t seem worth it to find a job, but I needed to do something to fill my days, so I volunteered at the base’s Airmen and Family Readiness Center. I spent a few hours each week putting together packets to welcome newcomers. It wasn’t glamorous work, but I enjoyed it because I learned quite a bit about the base and the surrounding area and I got to know the kind people at the AFRC who wanted to help military families.

Take a risk! Use social media to your advantage. Many milspouses are using social media to their advantage and introducing themselves on the spouse Facebook page of their new base. They are making connections and getting invited to play groups, craft groups, wine clubs and more!

Ask your friends if they know anyone at your next assignment and ask them for an online introduction to their friend. After being in the military for 23 years, we know people stationed all over. I take full advantage of that by having a friend introduce me to her friend on FB Messenger. We establish the beginnings of a friendship long before we meet in person. My last neighbor was a close friend before we ever arrived.

No matter what else you try, always, always, ALWAYS, find your people. Some of you are thinking, “But I’m not good at making friends! I am shy/introverted/awkward.” Yep, me too. Walking into a room of complete strangers is still one of the hardest things for me to do. I am super awkward when it comes to small talk (although I have gotten better with practice) and I never know how to gracefully end a conversation. But I make myself do it anyway because I know from experience that my new best friend might be at that event and I won’t meet her if I don’t go.

I tell our boys all the time, “Look for the new people. Remember how it felt when you were new and be the person you needed someone to be for you.” You may be the new one for the moment, but let’s face it, you are only the new one for a week or a month before the next new one moves in. Watch for the moving trucks. Say Hi. Take cookies—even if they are store bought!

How will you embrace where you have been sent? Where can you find your people? At the end of the day, it has always been the people and my attitude that make or break an assignment for me.

Remember that traffic I thought I would never drive in? It took me about two weeks to gather my courage to drive off-base, but then I was free! Free to explore what the area had to offer. Free to take our boys on adventures. Free to embrace the foreign-land-on-US-soil we had been sent to.

But I never did master the round-abouts.