Gratitude in the Loneliness

I psyched myself up for Christmas Day alone. I believed I was prepared. I had a stack of Christmas movies and a phone call to home lined up. We had been married for a year and a half and on this, our second Christmas together, my husband was pulling a missile alert. I had turned down invitations to friends’ houses, thinking it would be too weird to spend Christmas with another family. But it was going to be fine. I looked forward to the quiet day to myself…. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

But then I got on the phone with my family and realized very quickly that was not actually going to help my loneliness. It only made it worse. (Thank goodness this was before Skype and FaceTime!) My mom and I were in tears within minutes. That was 20 years ago and that phone call is all I can remember of that day. I have no idea what movies I watched or what I did with myself once I got off the phone. The only clear memory I have of that day is the phone call that shone a spotlight on my loneliness.

Some of you have faced a far worse loneliness—deployments, extended TDYs, separations that span more than one holiday or special event. But most of us military families face some version of this loneliness on a yearly basis simply because we miss our families.

It is rare to find a military family who has not faced loneliness during the holidays. Whether you are lonely for your spouse, your children, or your extended family, it seems the holiday lights act as spotlights on the distance between us.

There are years I have handled this well and years I have spent in tears.

With Thanksgiving upon us, I have been reflecting on our holidays over the years. There have been some we chose to travel to visit family and some when family traveled to visit us.

But the majority of our holidays have been spent with friends who became family.

There was the year that my husband dubbed our friends’ sweet potato souffle, “Sweet Potato Crack”, because of how addicting it was. It became a standard dish for our own holiday dinners. Or the Easter dinner I hosted a large group of people and a friend’s husband told me the ham I was serving had been recalled. It is a practical joke for which I may never forgive him and still dream about getting revenge for. Or the New Year’s Eve party in 1999 when no one knew if our cars would start after midnight and we spent it at a friend’s house anyway.

I am grateful for those friends who were also military orphans during the holidays. We built life-long friendships sharing those tables together. It only took that one Christmas of being alone to realize I should not say “No” to an invitation to join in. Togetherness brings thankfulness.

A friend recently shared that she has set up her Christmas tree in 8 different houses during their 14 years of service. I’m sure you can relate! When she first told me this, I felt the loneliness and the stress that went with that statement.

But no matter what number of house it is, put that tree up! Decorate as if you never moved. Make that Thanksgiving dinner that says “home” to you. There is a sweet nostalgia in bringing our traditions with us, isn’t there? When you say “yes” to the invitations, offer to bring something that is a tradition to you—even if it isn’t to anyone else. I have introduced “Purple salad” to more people than I would have ever thought possible. I’m not sure everyone likes it as much as my children, but it is a “must” on our menu, so therefore I take it when we go!

Creatively count your blessings. I enjoy reading people’s Facebook posts as they focus on what they are thankful for this time of year. I have a friend who is so thoughtful in what she writes about that it challenges me to see the unique things I can be thankful for. Some things I have read from her: hurtful words that lead to growth, hands that can get a job done, quilts that tell a story. At Thanksgiving dinner when my family shares what we are thankful for, we all automatically think of each other first. We have to go around the table a couple times to get below the surface, but it is always worth it when we get to the creative blessings!

There is nothing quite like helping someone less fortunate than you to help you see the value in the situation you are in and take your mind off your own struggles. Who needs a hand this year? Who needs an invitation for togetherness? Whose day can you make by sharing something available to you? It doesn’t have to be fancy or grand. A simple note or invitation may mean the difference between hope and despair for someone over the holidays. Reach out. Not only will you make their day, you will improve yours as well!

Lean in. Do you have a family of your own? Start your own traditions. Keep up traditions from your childhood. Focus on those in front of you. It won’t replace those you miss, but it will remind you of all you have to be grateful for right where you are. I really miss my extended family at Christmas. My family is large and loud and laughter abounds! Growing up, my dad always wrote a scavenger hunt for one of the five of us. It led to their “large” present. We have continued that tradition in our own family and I love the childhood memories it elicits. This tradition helps me lean in to our own children and the joy on their faces, it also helps me feel closer to the family far away.

Find the joy. Just as we need to be purposeful in our relationships and finding things to be grateful for, sometimes we need to be purposeful in finding joy. Too often we get so focused on what is hard that we fail to see the good that is right in front of us. And I don’t mean just being grateful for what we have in our lives. But choose to find joy—choose to set aside the stress to see the smile on a loved one’s face as you make their favorite dish, choose laughter with family and friends in playing games or watching a favorite movie, choose a moment of reflection with your favorite music and some candles glowing. There is always joy to be found when we actively seek it.

So when the holiday lights seem to spotlight the loneliness instead of the joy, maybe an adjustment is in order. There is gratitude to be found even in the loneliness—you just might have to look a little harder to find it.

Your Value is YOU

Before one of our moves to an off-base house, I called to set up utilities. The kind lady on the phone asked, “What is your Social Security number?”

Shocked, I responded, “You want MY social?!”

I quickly went on to explain that we are military and no one wants my social security number! They always want my husband’s!

She laughingly responded as if they were doing me a great honor, “Well, WE want your social!”

This is just a humorous event that gave me a good laugh, but you know what I mean, don’t you? You know that almost always we military spouses answer the question, “What is your sponsor’s Social?” or “What is the last 4 of your sponsor’s Social?”

In a military culture that refers to us as “Dependents” and only wants our sponsor’s social, we run the risk of only identifying ourselves as who we are in connection to our military member. We run the risk of identifying ourselves as “just”. I am “just” a dependent. I am “just” a stay-at-home mom. I am “just”……

Or maybe you ARE the military member and even you feel defined by your own social security number, or your DOD number, or your rank, or your job.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Have you ever said those words to someone? Or have you ever thought them? “What I do doesn’t matter. I am just…..”

Please allow me to assure you that you are not “just” anything. You are enough.

Regardless of whether you stay home with your kids or you are a career woman whose job has to change so rapidly you feel like you can’t get ahead or you are in the military and feel your life is not your own, you are valuable and you are not “just” anything.

I have had seasons when I defined myself, at least in my mind, by what I “just” do. Phrases like, “I just homeschool. I don’t contribute to our family’s finances;” and “I just volunteer at church. I don’t go on overseas mission trips;” and a million other “I just…” statements ran on repeat on the playlist of my mind.

When I allow these thoughts to replay in my mind, I am a mess! I compare myself to others who I believe are doing more important things and then I get discontent and a little depressed. Suddenly my life as a wife and mom is not enough. I question whether I should be doing more. I mean, other milspouses have kids and spouses and still work full-time, exercise and volunteer. What if I am not enough? What if what I do is not enough? When these doubts hit me, my words to others are short, I am grumpy, and I spend too much time wondering what I am missing instead of enjoying where I am.

However, when I am mindful of what I allow to repeat on the playlist of my brain, and when I pause the playlist, I remember my value is not found in my “just”. My value is in who I am. When I am confident in what I am doing, I stand taller, I walk with more confidence, I move with purpose. When I know I am walking out what God has chosen me to do, I speak more kindly, I love more deeply, I laugh more freely, I am more at peace.

Being a homeschool mom is enough. Being a stay-at-home mom is enough. Being the wife my husband needs me to be is enough.

At the end of the day, those are simply roles I play. Those roles do not define who I am. Those roles are not what makes me enough.

We all play a variety of roles during different seasons of our lives and some days we may feel like who we are is buried beneath the demands of those roles. But the truth is, you are enough regardless of the season you are in. Regardless of the roles you play.

Your role may be to work full-time outside the home. But who you are in the workplace is far more important than what you are paid for.

Your role may be to stay home with your children, but the way you love and pour yourself in to their small selves is what makes you enough.

Your role may be to serve in the military, but the integrity with which you serve is far more important than the job you do.

Your role may be to stand by your man who serves in the military, but the way you support him is far more important than the title of milspouse.

Your value isn’t found in doing the things you do; your value is in being who you are.

You see, value is found in walking out who you were created to be and that is enough. You don’t have to be more or less than who you are.

Who am I? I am a woman who fiercely loves my family, my God and my friends. I am the crazy lady who will smile at random people in the commissary or have a conversation with strangers almost anywhere I go. I am a friend who will listen. I am these things and more. And that is enough.

What makes you stand taller? What makes you move with purpose? What makes you laugh more freely? What speaks peace into your weary soul? THAT is who you ARE. And that is enough.

The next time you are tempted to let the playlist of “just” run on repeat, remember that you are not just anything. You are valuable and you are enough simply because of who you are.

Purpose in the Waiting

Waiting. Waiting on orders. Waiting on housing. Waiting on a deployment to end…or start. Waiting for your truck with household goods to arrive. Waiting for promotion results. Waiting to pin on rank.

We do an inordinate amount of waiting in the military. Sure, everyone has to wait for things in their lives, but so much of our lives are in other people’s hands that I truly do think we spend more time waiting than the average citizen. And it’s not easy!

And sometimes you wait for something only to discover you have to wait again!

At more than one point in my husband’s career, we were told where he would be stationed next—the most memorable was Guam—only to be told later, “Just kidding!” Okay, so that’s not how they said it, but that is how it felt.

It has taken me MANY years of military life to accept that my life is not my own and I don’t get to plan very far ahead. Waiting is hard! And I’m not very good at it.

I know you can relate because I have met many of you who are the same way.

Why?! Why must we wait? This is a question I find myself asking often in the middle of the waiting. Usually, the question is out of frustration. Or blame. I often blame the “they” of the Air Force for the waiting.

“If they just had their act together, they would have this figured out.”

“If only they would ask ME, I would not make people wait!”

But over the years, I have looked back and have discovered there was purpose for the waiting in my life.

Sometimes it has provided me time to have a change of heart. Often by the time we actually do find out the answer, I am ready for whatever that answer will be.

Sometimes the waiting has provided us with some family time we did not expect. My husband went through SAASS a few years ago, aptly named the book-a-day club due to the fact that they were literally assigned a new book to read each day. It consumes the students. Our boys were still very young and in the midst of writing his thesis, I had a freak medical situation that required surgery in another city. It was a trying year, to say the least. We were one of the first families to know our follow-on assignment, but we did not have orders, so we could not schedule movers. By the time we had orders in hand, the moving companies were backed up for weeks. Our gaining base allowed us to wait until we could get the movers to come. So, we decided to take a trip to Disney World. After all, we were a mere day’s drive away and now we had extra time! It was precious family time that we desperately needed and would not have gotten if we had not had to wait for those orders.

Sometimes the waiting has given me an opportunity to relate to others with more compassion than if I had not walked through that experience. We miscarried our first baby and it seemed like it took forever to get pregnant again. The waiting was hard, but I grew so much in my understanding of what others go through with loss and infertility. Since then, I have been able to reach out to those walking through those hard seasons from a place of empathy. It didn’t make the waiting easy, but it did give it purpose.

There are at least a hundred other purposes for waiting because we each face different circumstances and situations. Don’t misunderstand, I usually can’t see the purpose while I’m waiting. But by now, I have waited enough to believe what Lysa Terkeurst says in her book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” (emphasis mine):

“We don’t have to know the plan to trust there is a plan.

“We don’t have to feel good to trust there is good coming.

“We don’t have to see evidence of changes to trust that it won’t always be this hard.”

Roots

As a military family, how do you withstand the hurricane-force winds of our military lifestyle? The deployments and long hours and high Ops tempos? The TDYs, the loneliness and the distance from family? How do you sink your roots deep enough to not topple when the winds blow?

When we lived in Northern Virginia, we experienced some epic windstorms. Large trees would blow over, pulling the entire root system from the ground. 

This was so confusing to me, a MidWest girl who has spent her fair share of time in windy locations where the large trees do not blow over from the roots up. I couldn’t help thinking that if the trees in Virginia had just put their roots deeper, they could have withstood the high winds. So, why didn’t they?

I decided to do a little research and here is what I found on a Fairfax County, Virginia website on a conservation page titled “Understanding Tree Roots”:

“Tree roots anchor the tree in the soil, keeping it straight and stable, and absorb water from the soil. Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.

“Eighty percent of all roots occur in the top 12-36 inches of the soil. In sandy, well drained soils some trees such as oaks and pines develop deep roots, directly beneath the trunk. These are commonly called taproots but are actually deeper roots that help anchor the tree. Most trees never develop taproots, especially when the water table is close to the surface or when the soil is compacted.”

Did you catch that? The roots of these 3-4 story-high trees only go 1-3 feet into the ground. Now, I don’t know much about trees, but I can imagine that even 3 feet of roots under the ground will not effectively hold a large tree in place when a windstorm kicks up.

Roots are hard to come by as military families. We move so often, the roots don’t get very deep before we have to rip them up and start over, much like the trees in Virginia. But, just like trees, we NEED roots to stand tall and be stable.

So, how do we develop a root system that will withstand the wind?

We need to absorb water from the soil. Where do you get water? What place in your life do you feel satisfied, filled up, not thirsty? Is it being with friends? Is it being alone? Is it being with family? Is it working or volunteering? Is it being at church? Is it family game night or movie night?

When our sons were 4 and 1, my husband’s job kept him at work from 6 am until 11 pm and often on weekends. It was so hard to answer my 4-year-old’s questions of when he would see Daddy again because we never knew. I adore my kids, but I was getting crushed by the single-parenting and I didn’t like the mom I was becoming. I was parched. So, I pressed in to the friendships I had made with other moms with sons the same ages and I hired a sitter for a Friday afternoon every other week. Those were the wisest decisions I could have made in that desert. Find your water and do what it takes to drink deeply of it.

“Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.” What do you need in this season of life? Growth? Development? Repair? No matter where you are, there are resources for this. No matter what winds you are facing, there are nutrients and chemicals to be had.

If you need to see some personal growth, look for spouse trainings across the base and in your local area. The Chapel, Airmen and Family Readiness, Outdoor Rec, and other organizations offer trainings for a variety of seasons of life.

Need some personal development? Most bases have educational and career development resources for spouses. Or classes about parenting. Or arts and crafts classes. Or take an online class in a hobby you have always wanted to pursue. Find a Bible study or a small group at a church where you can feed your spiritual needs.

In need of some personal repair? This military life is no joke and the weight of it is heavy. Or maybe you came into the military life and were already carrying some baggage that has been compounded. Find your MFLAC—an on-base counselor who can walk with you and help relieve the pressure. Or talk to a Chaplain. Or get referred to an off-base counselor. Or seek out a pastor in the community. Or maybe it is simpler than all that and what you need is a good friend’s listening ear.

I have personally needed all of these at one stage of life or another—growth, development and repair. Due to my faith, I most often seek out the nutrients and chemicals I need at the local church we have plugged in to. This has looked different at different stages of life for me. Sometimes I have led a Bible study because I wanted to grow as a leader. Sometimes I have attended one because I needed the gift of repair it offered me. Always, I have surrounded myself with friends who will listen. I have also found that I require a variety of friends—those who are peers on this military journey and don’t require a lot of back-story, civilian friends who just know me as my sons’ mom instead of the wife of my active-duty husband, and friends who are just my friends because of who I am and not because of my kids or my husband.

What do you need to do to develop taproots, the roots that will keep you standing straight and stable as you face the windstorms of life? Too often we don’t grow our roots deep because we know our time somewhere is temporary. We fear the pain of pulling them up once again to start over in a new location. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is painful! But if we choose to keep our roots shallow in each location, we can’t stand straight and we won’t be stable. So, take a risk, dig deep, soak in all there is where you are currently living because when you move again, you will start with stronger roots, you will be able to engage sooner and deeper because you will have learned the value of strong, deep roots.

Embracing Where You Are Sent

Have you ever arrived to your new duty station and felt like you stepped onto foreign soil? Oh, maybe the base felt mostly familiar with its military-standard housing and the buildings that all look the same from the outside. But the town around you? Or the lack of the town around you? You know you are still on US soil, but nothing feels familiar. Or safe.

We were stationed outside of Boston 19 years into my husband’s career. It was a great move for him and we were able to live on base on the outskirts of the outskirts of Boston. But nothing felt easy or familiar. I was petrified of driving anywhere. I thought for sure our boys and I would be stuck at home for a year because I didn’t know how to manage a 4-lane round-about. And that was in the outskirts of the outskirts! Don’t even get me started on actually driving in the city! The first time we ventured downtown, I was navigating and pointed above our heads and exclaimed, “We are supposed to be up there!” By the time I finished my sentence, we came flying out of the tunnel we were in and had to choose 1 of 5 streets immediately in front of us. The navigation app had not been able to keep up in the tunnel, so I had no idea where to tell my husband to go. We circled a 5-block radius several times before realizing we had put in the wrong destination!

We are both from Iowa. THIS felt foreign!

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “I’m from a big city. None of that scares me!” But you are stationed in the middle of the Northern tier, surrounded by fields and livestock or snow and ice and that is what feels foreign to you.

I met a milspouse from Brazil. She and her husband were stationed in Seattle and were then sent to Malmstrom AFB in Montana. When I asked her how she felt about that change, she said, “I cried for two months after we got here.”

When I asked another milspouse how she felt about being stationed in Montana, her response was, “Not good. Not good at all!”

I think it would be safe to say that Montana felt quite foreign to these milspouses!

What can we do to embrace where we are sent when we are sent to a “foreign” land on US soil? When you show up and the only people you know are your husband and your kids or your furry friends? Or maybe you show up alone? Then what?

Some sure-fire ways to NOT embrace your current situation include: crying daily; complaining loudly and often; throwing a pity party; inviting everyone around you to feel sorry for you; declaring over and over how much you hate it there. Have you met those people? Are you one of them?!

I can assure you that when those are your responses, they will become self-fulfilling prophecies. It will be your worst assignment ever. How do I know this? Because I have thrown a pity party or two. I have hidden and cried in the bathroom of a new home more times than I would like to admit.

So, how do we embrace our foreign-land-on-US-soil assignment? Here are some tried and true methods of embracing your new location when nothing feels familiar or safe (How do I know this? Because I have experienced their success first-hand!):

Try something new! The Brazilian spouse I met? She didn’t keep crying. She and her husband decided to flip a house while they are stationed in Montana. This particular hobby has potential to pay dividends beyond just trying something new!

Get involved!  Whether it is a church, a group, a Club or a gym. Find a place to be active. The first thing we look for even before we arrive to a new base is a church. Our family knows that if we can find a place to worship, we will find like-minded people and we will most likely make life-long friends.

Give back! Our first duty station was a 9-month school as far away from home as we could get and still be in the continental United States. At the time, it didn’t seem worth it to find a job, but I needed to do something to fill my days, so I volunteered at the base’s Airmen and Family Readiness Center. I spent a few hours each week putting together packets to welcome newcomers. It wasn’t glamorous work, but I enjoyed it because I learned quite a bit about the base and the surrounding area and I got to know the kind people at the AFRC who wanted to help military families.

Take a risk! Use social media to your advantage. Many milspouses are using social media to their advantage and introducing themselves on the spouse Facebook page of their new base. They are making connections and getting invited to play groups, craft groups, wine clubs and more!

Ask your friends if they know anyone at your next assignment and ask them for an online introduction to their friend. After being in the military for 23 years, we know people stationed all over. I take full advantage of that by having a friend introduce me to her friend on FB Messenger. We establish the beginnings of a friendship long before we meet in person. My last neighbor was a close friend before we ever arrived.

No matter what else you try, always, always, ALWAYS, find your people. Some of you are thinking, “But I’m not good at making friends! I am shy/introverted/awkward.” Yep, me too. Walking into a room of complete strangers is still one of the hardest things for me to do. I am super awkward when it comes to small talk (although I have gotten better with practice) and I never know how to gracefully end a conversation. But I make myself do it anyway because I know from experience that my new best friend might be at that event and I won’t meet her if I don’t go.

I tell our boys all the time, “Look for the new people. Remember how it felt when you were new and be the person you needed someone to be for you.” You may be the new one for the moment, but let’s face it, you are only the new one for a week or a month before the next new one moves in. Watch for the moving trucks. Say Hi. Take cookies—even if they are store bought!

How will you embrace where you have been sent? Where can you find your people? At the end of the day, it has always been the people and my attitude that make or break an assignment for me.

Remember that traffic I thought I would never drive in? It took me about two weeks to gather my courage to drive off-base, but then I was free! Free to explore what the area had to offer. Free to take our boys on adventures. Free to embrace the foreign-land-on-US-soil we had been sent to.

But I never did master the round-abouts.