Permission to Grieve

Our world looks different. SO different than just a week ago. People are dying. Others are suffering. Some are in financial crisis. There are limits on what we can buy when we go to the store. And now students are trying to do school from home and moms and dads are trying to manage something they never chose.

We are all posting memes that make us laugh. (Thank heaven for the memes!) 

And we’re telling each other all the right things: We can do this! We are resilient! As milspouses, we were made for this!

And I believe every one of those things! I believe all the positive messages out there! We CAN do this! We WILL survive! We NEED to do this together even as we stand at least 6 feet apart.

But in our attempt to bolster each other up, are we allowing each other to feel? To experience the impact of this on our lives? Because that impact is pretty big.

When we lose someone, we are told we need to slow down and allow ourselves time to grieve the loss. If we don’t slow down to experience that grief in the moment, we will pay a price later in the form of unhealthy habits or emotions or thought patterns.

Well, friends, we have lost a lot in the last week. Have you slowed down enough to grieve that loss? If not, I am giving you permission to grieve right now.

A friend was telling me her teenage son had a small emotional meltdown the night before and she said, “I know that there are harder things people are going through—deployed spouses, cancelled PCSes, seniors missing out on their ‘lasts’....” 

But do we have to compare? Can we just all feel the impact for our own families? For our kids? For us?

Our 13-year-old son does competitive gymnastics. He still had two meets and then Regionals left and then he was going to be forced into a 2-year hiatus due to an upcoming move. It all ended abruptly with no closure at all. He can’t fathom what those seniors are feeling—he has nothing to compare it to. And it’s okay that he’s sad.

On Tuesday, I was notified that an event our older son was signed up for was cancelled in late April and for whatever reason, that was a reality check that sent me right over the emotional edge. It finally hit home that this is not going to end in a couple weeks. I was completely unstable the rest of the day. I cried. I was mad for no good reason. I cried some more. And then you know what I did? I moved on. 

It was actually very beneficial to me to admit that this thing is huge and not easy. But I didn’t stay there. I let those tears be cleansing and then I had a good night’s sleep and woke up ready to face the next day.

I have seen several posts on Facebook about moms not feeling like they have what it takes to manage their children's schooling. Or moms who are expressing frustration with how their kids are adjusting…or not adjusting, as the case may be. 

May I remind us all that this is HUGE for all of you? As moms, just a few days ago, you were going about your business while your children were well taken care of at school. You bought the groceries your family needed with no restrictions or shortages. You had your routine. 

A week ago, your children were at school, and now they have been sent home with virtually no notice or closure; our conversations revolve around a big, scary virus; they are separated from their friends; and now they are asked to do school in a whole new way. It is no wonder this week didn’t go smoothly for most families!

Add to that, many dads are also now working from home and somehow you have to manage keeping the children on task and quiet while dad works, all while managing a house you had to yourself just days ago.

To be really honest, this week was a mess in our house even though we are already a homeschooling family. Being home IS our routine and we still struggled with a new normal since all their activities were cancelled and every conversation at dinner revolved around COVID-19.

OR maybe you are the military member and you are being asked to sacrifice in big ways right now! We talk a lot about resiliency and that you are critical to the nation’s security—and you ARE!! You are some of the most resilient people I know! But you aren’t invincible. It’s okay to take a moment to allow yourself to admit this is big and you can’t do it on your own.

Let’s all take a deep breath and give each other the grace to FEEL the impact in whatever healthy way you need to. Because, yes, we are resilient. Yes, we can do this. Yes, we will get through this together. But sometimes we need to admit our weakness and just take a minute to feel that in whatever way heals a part of you.

For me, that is a good cry, some worship music and my Bible. There is nothing more centering for me. There is nothing that cleanses my soul like that combination. There is nothing that reassures me that I AM resilient; I CAN do this; and it WILL be okay.

What does that look like for you? Moms, do you need to hide in the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes so that you can go out and take care of those little hearts with big hurts? Or do you have older kids who need to see it's okay to be vulnerable right now? 

Military members, can you find someone to talk to just to admit that this thing feels overwhelming? Someone who will agree with you, but then lift you up and encourage you?

Do you need to get outside and feel the sun on your face? Take a walk?

Maybe it’s a zoom date or a facetime with someone you love who will allow you the space to be sad and then remind you of all the great things you still have in your life.

Maybe it’s a chat with a neighbor from your driveways. Or a text marathon with a trusted friend.

Whatever it is, DO it. Allow yourself to feel the impact of this and then move on stronger, more determined to find the good and the hope and the determination to be better on the other side of this thing. Because there will be the other side and I, for one, want to be stronger when we get there.

Compressed But Not Crushed; Stretched But Not Snapped

It is winter in Montana. The time of year that brings cold days, long nights and snow. It is a hard season to get through here in the Northern Tier. And since resiliency is a hot topic in the Air Force these days, it seems like an appropriate time to talk about it.

What does resiliency mean to you? I have always thought of resiliency as the ability to stay strong or to keep on keeping on no matter what.

But the dictionary defines it this way:

1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.   

2) ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Do you know what I like about the dictionary definition versus my own? It allows for the reality that everything is not always okay. I love the image the first definition elicits. Anyone else think of Elastigirl or Gumby when you heard that definition?  

Have you ever felt bent, compressed or stretched?

Before one move, I told my husband, “I don’t think I can keep doing this. I am just so weary.” We were preparing to leave a base and community we loved for a one-year assignment and I felt exhausted just thinking about back-to-back moves. He was close to being eligible for retirement and we were having very real conversations about what came next. I felt bent and stretched beyond my capability to not break. But we moved anyway, knowing that accepting that assignment meant he would incur a longer commitment.

During another PCS, our teen son faced a lot of anger and frustration about the move and I felt crushed under the weight of his emotions. Once again, I thought, “This is it! I can’t keep doing this!” 

But here we are, several years later, staring down another PCS about which I am very optimistic. How is that possible? Whether you call it resiliency or something else, I found deep within me and through my faith an ability to bounce back. And, I would add, not just bounce back to my “original form,” but to be strengthened through the experience. Strengthened in a way that has me trusting God more; strengthened to be strong for my family and more encouraging for my husband; strengthened to face the roller coasters of military life without riding them emotionally.

What crushes you? What bends and stretches you to your breaking point? How do you bounce back?

The Air Force has identified 4 cornerstones of what makes Airmen resilient and I would argue they apply to we milspouses as well. Let’s take a look at these cornerstones and see how they can apply to our lives.

Physical – how many of you know you feel better when you move your body more? I have been in physical therapy for months because I neglected an issue with my back for years and I am paying the price of not taking care of myself physically. Now that I am getting healed, I am finding I want to move more and I feel better mentally and emotionally, too!

What does taking care of yourself physically mean to you? Better nutrition? More movement? Less alcohol? More sleep? What would it take for you to feel better?

Many of us have heard for years how our physical fitness affects our moods and our psychological state. This is not new information. But have you experienced it?

I am not a runner and I have no desire to become one. But one year I felt very strongly that I was supposed to run a 5K. What I discovered in that process was that as my body grew stronger, I felt stronger emotionally and better prepared to face the demands on my time. I felt empowered. I was more resilient.

What step can you take to become more physically fit?

Mental – I have several friends who have gone back to school because they needed something that is theirs alone and that challenges them mentally. The effort to challenge themselves, to push themselves in this way, helps them be mentally strong. Others have jobs that are mentally fulfilling.

When I was pregnant, I read several books about what to expect. Then I read parenting books about how to be a good mom. Now I read the books I assign my boys so I can discuss the books with them. But you can find me reading about all sorts of topics like personality types, “The Art of Gathering”, and Bible studies. I also homeschool our two boys and that is a mental challenge in and of itself.

What does mental resilience mean to you? Maybe it doesn’t mean school or a job. But what does it mean, then? How do you keep yourself mentally strong? Are there books you could read on subjects that interest you to keep your skills sharp?

Social – Finding your community is SO important in our nomad lifestyle! We usually don’t have family to rely on and we have to find our tribe. I call myself an introvert and on the weekends there is nothing I would rather do than hang out at home with my family. But even I know I need a community!

Most Air Force bases have a multitude of activities you can participate in—everything from Outdoor Recreation trips to play groups for toddlers. But you have to look for them.

One day when I was having lunch with a milspouse, she told me her neighbor is a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year old and is so lonely and never gets out of her house. I asked her if she knew about the library’s toddler story-time or the community center’s toddler time or the Club’s Jumpin’ Java where they blow up the bounce houses for little ones. I realize that sometimes we have to dig to find an outlet, but it is always worth it!

Be creative. Some of my best friends are not from base at all but are civilian. Sometimes what we most need is a friend with a different perspective. My civilian friends often remind me that there is life outside of the military and also give me a space to be me and not “just” my husband’s wife.

Where do you go to find your tribe? Where do you go to fulfill this cornerstone of resiliency? If you don’t have one, what step can you take to find your people?

Spiritual – This is probably the most important cornerstone for me personally. I cannot fathom navigating this military life without my faith.

During December’s holiday craziness, I texted a friend, “I’m drowning!” She replied, “Have you talked to God lately?” It stopped me in my tracks. With one question, she pin-pointed the reason I was drowning.

The first 6 months after any PCS are the hardest for me because I haven’t found my tribe and my husband is normally busy learning a new job, which leaves me feeling very lonely. But what I have learned over the years, is that this is actually a gift because it forces me to rely on God to meet me in my loneliness. Those have been times of great personal spiritual growth.

In order for me to be strong spiritually, I know that I need to be reading my Bible, spending time with others who believe the same way I do, and be involved in a local church. A friend recently told me she faithfully keeps a gratitude journal because it helps her focus on what is important. I would call that spiritual resiliency.

What do you do to be spiritually strong?

While the answers to these questions will be different for each of us, I do believe it is important to take the time to answer them. This military life is not for the faint of heart and we need all the help we can get to survive the ups and downs. I challenge you to take some time to answer these questions so when you are compressed and stretched, you have the tools to bounce back, to return to your original state, or, maybe, even to grow stronger. How will you be resilient?

Out Of My Control

How many nights have you laid awake mentally trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? No matter which way you look at the situation, you can’t make it work.

How many of those nights involved trying to plan something over which you had no control? And how many of them had to do with something involving the military?

If you’re like me, you like to be in control. Maybe you aren’t as over-the-top as I am…. I want to navigate even when the GPS could do it for me. I like to study the amusement park map and plan how to get the most out of the day. Every morning I have a conversation with our boys about all that the day entails…whether they want those details or not.

Can you relate?

But as milspouses, we don’t have the luxury of control over most aspects of our lives.

One conversation with my husband regarding control stands out vividly. He had been in the Air Force for several years and we had thoughtfully completed many “Dream Sheets”. I have no idea what the real name for that form is, but it is basically when the Air Force kindly asks for your input into where you want to move and what job you would like to have next.

My hubby asked me, “What should we put on the Dream Sheet?” (Let it be known that I absolutely adore the fact that he asked me!)

My response? “Why does it matter? It’s just a dream anyway!” Oh, how cynical I had become!

Can you relate? How many of you have gotten your number one choice? And if you did, how often did you get it? I bet if we took a poll, the vast majority of us have more often than not been sent somewhere that wasn’t anywhere close to what we put on these Dream Sheets.

Or how about those lists we all wait for? The promotions. The school slots. Move lists. Command opportunities. Talk about out-of-our-control!

After 23 years as a milspouse, I still struggle with having no control over what happens to us in these situations. Has it gotten easier? Sure.

Is it easy? No.

One of the best ways I have learned to cope is to look back over years of positive outcomes. 

Because of my faith, I credit God’s faithfulness in my life for these outcomes. But even if you do not share that belief, I am sure you can look back and see how things worked out for good even when you had to wait or when you didn’t get what you wanted. Sometimes you may have to dig into the recesses of your brain a little to think of those things, but I have found they are always there.

Sometimes I have been blessed by an unexpected friendship that was allowed to grow because we stayed where we were longer than expected. I know others who have been able to see that a frustrating situation worked out better for their children—a child gets to stay put and graduate, or is able to participate in something they otherwise would not have been able to if they had moved sooner or hadn’t moved at all. Or a milspouse gets to finish school or keep a job they love a little longer. Or maybe the right house wasn’t available until the decision was made. There are endless benefits and blessings we may never even realize as the square pegs find the square holes of our lives.

Sometimes a career seems so affected by a decision that lays in the hands of others. On the other side of the decision is something better than you could imagine; however, in the moment, that does not reconcile with the plan you made.

We, or our spouses, entered the military with goals and hopes and dreams. And then we discovered much of the realization of those goals and dreams goes beyond just doing your best. There are politics and boxes to check and decisions we make that seem like the right one but turn out to not produce the results we expect, and then there are the actions of others that directly affect our own reality. All of this is frustrating.

But when you can look back and remember other times your lack of control led to greater things, it just might help you sleep at night.

Other times, what helps me more than looking back at the benefits that came out of it is considering how I have grown because of, or sometimes in spite of, the lack of control.

My extended family likes to ask me about our summer plans in the winter. In fact, for our boys to get into a camp with cousins, we have to decide by February or the spots fill up. Sometimes I make a stab in the dark about whether it will work and then move mountains to make that square peg fit. 

Sometimes I just keep saying, “I don’t know. Plan it without us and if it works, great!”

I am much more flexible than I was 10 or 20 years ago. This characteristic has made me a much better wife and mom.

Recently, my husband returned from a 10-week TDY and he got a call on our meticulously-planned anniversary that he would leave on a short-notice TDY just a few days later. I smiled and said something agreeable and then walked away. My husband, knowing I don’t do well with change, found me in our room where I told him, “I just need a minute to pout and then I will put on my good Air Force wife smile.”

My voice dripped with sarcasm and I hadn’t gotten to the point where I could genuinely smile, but what you need to understand is that a few years ago I would have pitched a fit—yelling and slamming doors and crying. I finally learned over many years that it is better to come to a place of acceptance because it is happening regardless of how I feel about it. I can choose to take it out on my husband or I can choose to cling to the fact that it was out of his control and allow that square peg to slide into the square hole.

Focusing on something else also helps me to survive the lack of control. When we are waiting on orders, if I can stay focused on the here and now and getting as much out of where we are as possible, then waiting takes a back seat. I focus on my kids or my marriage or a role I play on base or at church. Pouring myself into where I am as long as possible is important to me and has the side benefit of distracting me.

And let’s be honest, usually it isn’t about me at all! That short-notice TDY my husband went on had an impact on that unit that went far beyond the irritation I felt at him leaving again. We don’t always get to see the puzzle pieces being fitted together, but I believe that often what feels out of control is in complete control at another level.

When you can surrender control, you can start sleeping better. You aren’t going to fit the square peg into the round hole no matter how many hours of sleep you lose anyway!

Gratitude in the Loneliness

I psyched myself up for Christmas Day alone. I believed I was prepared. I had a stack of Christmas movies and a phone call to home lined up. We had been married for a year and a half and on this, our second Christmas together, my husband was pulling a missile alert. I had turned down invitations to friends’ houses, thinking it would be too weird to spend Christmas with another family. But it was going to be fine. I looked forward to the quiet day to myself…. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

But then I got on the phone with my family and realized very quickly that was not actually going to help my loneliness. It only made it worse. (Thank goodness this was before Skype and FaceTime!) My mom and I were in tears within minutes. That was 20 years ago and that phone call is all I can remember of that day. I have no idea what movies I watched or what I did with myself once I got off the phone. The only clear memory I have of that day is the phone call that shone a spotlight on my loneliness.

Some of you have faced a far worse loneliness—deployments, extended TDYs, separations that span more than one holiday or special event. But most of us military families face some version of this loneliness on a yearly basis simply because we miss our families.

It is rare to find a military family who has not faced loneliness during the holidays. Whether you are lonely for your spouse, your children, or your extended family, it seems the holiday lights act as spotlights on the distance between us.

There are years I have handled this well and years I have spent in tears.

With Thanksgiving upon us, I have been reflecting on our holidays over the years. There have been some we chose to travel to visit family and some when family traveled to visit us.

But the majority of our holidays have been spent with friends who became family.

There was the year that my husband dubbed our friends’ sweet potato souffle, “Sweet Potato Crack”, because of how addicting it was. It became a standard dish for our own holiday dinners. Or the Easter dinner I hosted a large group of people and a friend’s husband told me the ham I was serving had been recalled. It is a practical joke for which I may never forgive him and still dream about getting revenge for. Or the New Year’s Eve party in 1999 when no one knew if our cars would start after midnight and we spent it at a friend’s house anyway.

I am grateful for those friends who were also military orphans during the holidays. We built life-long friendships sharing those tables together. It only took that one Christmas of being alone to realize I should not say “No” to an invitation to join in. Togetherness brings thankfulness.

A friend recently shared that she has set up her Christmas tree in 8 different houses during their 14 years of service. I’m sure you can relate! When she first told me this, I felt the loneliness and the stress that went with that statement.

But no matter what number of house it is, put that tree up! Decorate as if you never moved. Make that Thanksgiving dinner that says “home” to you. There is a sweet nostalgia in bringing our traditions with us, isn’t there? When you say “yes” to the invitations, offer to bring something that is a tradition to you—even if it isn’t to anyone else. I have introduced “Purple salad” to more people than I would have ever thought possible. I’m not sure everyone likes it as much as my children, but it is a “must” on our menu, so therefore I take it when we go!

Creatively count your blessings. I enjoy reading people’s Facebook posts as they focus on what they are thankful for this time of year. I have a friend who is so thoughtful in what she writes about that it challenges me to see the unique things I can be thankful for. Some things I have read from her: hurtful words that lead to growth, hands that can get a job done, quilts that tell a story. At Thanksgiving dinner when my family shares what we are thankful for, we all automatically think of each other first. We have to go around the table a couple times to get below the surface, but it is always worth it when we get to the creative blessings!

There is nothing quite like helping someone less fortunate than you to help you see the value in the situation you are in and take your mind off your own struggles. Who needs a hand this year? Who needs an invitation for togetherness? Whose day can you make by sharing something available to you? It doesn’t have to be fancy or grand. A simple note or invitation may mean the difference between hope and despair for someone over the holidays. Reach out. Not only will you make their day, you will improve yours as well!

Lean in. Do you have a family of your own? Start your own traditions. Keep up traditions from your childhood. Focus on those in front of you. It won’t replace those you miss, but it will remind you of all you have to be grateful for right where you are. I really miss my extended family at Christmas. My family is large and loud and laughter abounds! Growing up, my dad always wrote a scavenger hunt for one of the five of us. It led to their “large” present. We have continued that tradition in our own family and I love the childhood memories it elicits. This tradition helps me lean in to our own children and the joy on their faces, it also helps me feel closer to the family far away.

Find the joy. Just as we need to be purposeful in our relationships and finding things to be grateful for, sometimes we need to be purposeful in finding joy. Too often we get so focused on what is hard that we fail to see the good that is right in front of us. And I don’t mean just being grateful for what we have in our lives. But choose to find joy—choose to set aside the stress to see the smile on a loved one’s face as you make their favorite dish, choose laughter with family and friends in playing games or watching a favorite movie, choose a moment of reflection with your favorite music and some candles glowing. There is always joy to be found when we actively seek it.

So when the holiday lights seem to spotlight the loneliness instead of the joy, maybe an adjustment is in order. There is gratitude to be found even in the loneliness—you just might have to look a little harder to find it.

Your Value is YOU

Before one of our moves to an off-base house, I called to set up utilities. The kind lady on the phone asked, “What is your Social Security number?”

Shocked, I responded, “You want MY social?!”

I quickly went on to explain that we are military and no one wants my social security number! They always want my husband’s!

She laughingly responded as if they were doing me a great honor, “Well, WE want your social!”

This is just a humorous event that gave me a good laugh, but you know what I mean, don’t you? You know that almost always we military spouses answer the question, “What is your sponsor’s Social?” or “What is the last 4 of your sponsor’s Social?”

In a military culture that refers to us as “Dependents” and only wants our sponsor’s social, we run the risk of only identifying ourselves as who we are in connection to our military member. We run the risk of identifying ourselves as “just”. I am “just” a dependent. I am “just” a stay-at-home mom. I am “just”……

Or maybe you ARE the military member and even you feel defined by your own social security number, or your DOD number, or your rank, or your job.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Have you ever said those words to someone? Or have you ever thought them? “What I do doesn’t matter. I am just…..”

Please allow me to assure you that you are not “just” anything. You are enough.

Regardless of whether you stay home with your kids or you are a career woman whose job has to change so rapidly you feel like you can’t get ahead or you are in the military and feel your life is not your own, you are valuable and you are not “just” anything.

I have had seasons when I defined myself, at least in my mind, by what I “just” do. Phrases like, “I just homeschool. I don’t contribute to our family’s finances;” and “I just volunteer at church. I don’t go on overseas mission trips;” and a million other “I just…” statements ran on repeat on the playlist of my mind.

When I allow these thoughts to replay in my mind, I am a mess! I compare myself to others who I believe are doing more important things and then I get discontent and a little depressed. Suddenly my life as a wife and mom is not enough. I question whether I should be doing more. I mean, other milspouses have kids and spouses and still work full-time, exercise and volunteer. What if I am not enough? What if what I do is not enough? When these doubts hit me, my words to others are short, I am grumpy, and I spend too much time wondering what I am missing instead of enjoying where I am.

However, when I am mindful of what I allow to repeat on the playlist of my brain, and when I pause the playlist, I remember my value is not found in my “just”. My value is in who I am. When I am confident in what I am doing, I stand taller, I walk with more confidence, I move with purpose. When I know I am walking out what God has chosen me to do, I speak more kindly, I love more deeply, I laugh more freely, I am more at peace.

Being a homeschool mom is enough. Being a stay-at-home mom is enough. Being the wife my husband needs me to be is enough.

At the end of the day, those are simply roles I play. Those roles do not define who I am. Those roles are not what makes me enough.

We all play a variety of roles during different seasons of our lives and some days we may feel like who we are is buried beneath the demands of those roles. But the truth is, you are enough regardless of the season you are in. Regardless of the roles you play.

Your role may be to work full-time outside the home. But who you are in the workplace is far more important than what you are paid for.

Your role may be to stay home with your children, but the way you love and pour yourself in to their small selves is what makes you enough.

Your role may be to serve in the military, but the integrity with which you serve is far more important than the job you do.

Your role may be to stand by your man who serves in the military, but the way you support him is far more important than the title of milspouse.

Your value isn’t found in doing the things you do; your value is in being who you are.

You see, value is found in walking out who you were created to be and that is enough. You don’t have to be more or less than who you are.

Who am I? I am a woman who fiercely loves my family, my God and my friends. I am the crazy lady who will smile at random people in the commissary or have a conversation with strangers almost anywhere I go. I am a friend who will listen. I am these things and more. And that is enough.

What makes you stand taller? What makes you move with purpose? What makes you laugh more freely? What speaks peace into your weary soul? THAT is who you ARE. And that is enough.

The next time you are tempted to let the playlist of “just” run on repeat, remember that you are not just anything. You are valuable and you are enough simply because of who you are.

Purpose in the Waiting

Waiting. Waiting on orders. Waiting on housing. Waiting on a deployment to end…or start. Waiting for your truck with household goods to arrive. Waiting for promotion results. Waiting to pin on rank.

We do an inordinate amount of waiting in the military. Sure, everyone has to wait for things in their lives, but so much of our lives are in other people’s hands that I truly do think we spend more time waiting than the average citizen. And it’s not easy!

And sometimes you wait for something only to discover you have to wait again!

At more than one point in my husband’s career, we were told where he would be stationed next—the most memorable was Guam—only to be told later, “Just kidding!” Okay, so that’s not how they said it, but that is how it felt.

It has taken me MANY years of military life to accept that my life is not my own and I don’t get to plan very far ahead. Waiting is hard! And I’m not very good at it.

I know you can relate because I have met many of you who are the same way.

Why?! Why must we wait? This is a question I find myself asking often in the middle of the waiting. Usually, the question is out of frustration. Or blame. I often blame the “they” of the Air Force for the waiting.

“If they just had their act together, they would have this figured out.”

“If only they would ask ME, I would not make people wait!”

But over the years, I have looked back and have discovered there was purpose for the waiting in my life.

Sometimes it has provided me time to have a change of heart. Often by the time we actually do find out the answer, I am ready for whatever that answer will be.

Sometimes the waiting has provided us with some family time we did not expect. My husband went through SAASS a few years ago, aptly named the book-a-day club due to the fact that they were literally assigned a new book to read each day. It consumes the students. Our boys were still very young and in the midst of writing his thesis, I had a freak medical situation that required surgery in another city. It was a trying year, to say the least. We were one of the first families to know our follow-on assignment, but we did not have orders, so we could not schedule movers. By the time we had orders in hand, the moving companies were backed up for weeks. Our gaining base allowed us to wait until we could get the movers to come. So, we decided to take a trip to Disney World. After all, we were a mere day’s drive away and now we had extra time! It was precious family time that we desperately needed and would not have gotten if we had not had to wait for those orders.

Sometimes the waiting has given me an opportunity to relate to others with more compassion than if I had not walked through that experience. We miscarried our first baby and it seemed like it took forever to get pregnant again. The waiting was hard, but I grew so much in my understanding of what others go through with loss and infertility. Since then, I have been able to reach out to those walking through those hard seasons from a place of empathy. It didn’t make the waiting easy, but it did give it purpose.

There are at least a hundred other purposes for waiting because we each face different circumstances and situations. Don’t misunderstand, I usually can’t see the purpose while I’m waiting. But by now, I have waited enough to believe what Lysa Terkeurst says in her book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” (emphasis mine):

“We don’t have to know the plan to trust there is a plan.

“We don’t have to feel good to trust there is good coming.

“We don’t have to see evidence of changes to trust that it won’t always be this hard.”

Roots

As a military family, how do you withstand the hurricane-force winds of our military lifestyle? The deployments and long hours and high Ops tempos? The TDYs, the loneliness and the distance from family? How do you sink your roots deep enough to not topple when the winds blow?

When we lived in Northern Virginia, we experienced some epic windstorms. Large trees would blow over, pulling the entire root system from the ground. 

This was so confusing to me, a MidWest girl who has spent her fair share of time in windy locations where the large trees do not blow over from the roots up. I couldn’t help thinking that if the trees in Virginia had just put their roots deeper, they could have withstood the high winds. So, why didn’t they?

I decided to do a little research and here is what I found on a Fairfax County, Virginia website on a conservation page titled “Understanding Tree Roots”:

“Tree roots anchor the tree in the soil, keeping it straight and stable, and absorb water from the soil. Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.

“Eighty percent of all roots occur in the top 12-36 inches of the soil. In sandy, well drained soils some trees such as oaks and pines develop deep roots, directly beneath the trunk. These are commonly called taproots but are actually deeper roots that help anchor the tree. Most trees never develop taproots, especially when the water table is close to the surface or when the soil is compacted.”

Did you catch that? The roots of these 3-4 story-high trees only go 1-3 feet into the ground. Now, I don’t know much about trees, but I can imagine that even 3 feet of roots under the ground will not effectively hold a large tree in place when a windstorm kicks up.

Roots are hard to come by as military families. We move so often, the roots don’t get very deep before we have to rip them up and start over, much like the trees in Virginia. But, just like trees, we NEED roots to stand tall and be stable.

So, how do we develop a root system that will withstand the wind?

We need to absorb water from the soil. Where do you get water? What place in your life do you feel satisfied, filled up, not thirsty? Is it being with friends? Is it being alone? Is it being with family? Is it working or volunteering? Is it being at church? Is it family game night or movie night?

When our sons were 4 and 1, my husband’s job kept him at work from 6 am until 11 pm and often on weekends. It was so hard to answer my 4-year-old’s questions of when he would see Daddy again because we never knew. I adore my kids, but I was getting crushed by the single-parenting and I didn’t like the mom I was becoming. I was parched. So, I pressed in to the friendships I had made with other moms with sons the same ages and I hired a sitter for a Friday afternoon every other week. Those were the wisest decisions I could have made in that desert. Find your water and do what it takes to drink deeply of it.

“Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals out of the soil and use them to produce what they need for the tree’s growth, development, and repair.” What do you need in this season of life? Growth? Development? Repair? No matter where you are, there are resources for this. No matter what winds you are facing, there are nutrients and chemicals to be had.

If you need to see some personal growth, look for spouse trainings across the base and in your local area. The Chapel, Airmen and Family Readiness, Outdoor Rec, and other organizations offer trainings for a variety of seasons of life.

Need some personal development? Most bases have educational and career development resources for spouses. Or classes about parenting. Or arts and crafts classes. Or take an online class in a hobby you have always wanted to pursue. Find a Bible study or a small group at a church where you can feed your spiritual needs.

In need of some personal repair? This military life is no joke and the weight of it is heavy. Or maybe you came into the military life and were already carrying some baggage that has been compounded. Find your MFLAC—an on-base counselor who can walk with you and help relieve the pressure. Or talk to a Chaplain. Or get referred to an off-base counselor. Or seek out a pastor in the community. Or maybe it is simpler than all that and what you need is a good friend’s listening ear.

I have personally needed all of these at one stage of life or another—growth, development and repair. Due to my faith, I most often seek out the nutrients and chemicals I need at the local church we have plugged in to. This has looked different at different stages of life for me. Sometimes I have led a Bible study because I wanted to grow as a leader. Sometimes I have attended one because I needed the gift of repair it offered me. Always, I have surrounded myself with friends who will listen. I have also found that I require a variety of friends—those who are peers on this military journey and don’t require a lot of back-story, civilian friends who just know me as my sons’ mom instead of the wife of my active-duty husband, and friends who are just my friends because of who I am and not because of my kids or my husband.

What do you need to do to develop taproots, the roots that will keep you standing straight and stable as you face the windstorms of life? Too often we don’t grow our roots deep because we know our time somewhere is temporary. We fear the pain of pulling them up once again to start over in a new location. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is painful! But if we choose to keep our roots shallow in each location, we can’t stand straight and we won’t be stable. So, take a risk, dig deep, soak in all there is where you are currently living because when you move again, you will start with stronger roots, you will be able to engage sooner and deeper because you will have learned the value of strong, deep roots.